It is well with my soul...

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way
when sorrows like sea billows roll
whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say
it is well, it is well with my soul...."

I chose this song to be played at Michael's funeral because the words have always spoken volumes to me. They have brought me comfort in times of unrelenting pain, and have reminded me that no matter what is cast my way, I am taught to say, that it is well. But what has happened over the last year and nine months since my Michael left? What happened to my faith? What happened to me saying that no matter what I face in life, I will be ok? I failed to realize the importance and significance of the rest of the song and the promise that it holds.... In the process, I lost myself and lost the concept that I am human, and I too will fail and be in desperate need of grace and honesty.

I have been painfully reminded in the last month how desperate and empty I am. I have not been in a darker place than I have been this past month. I didn't think I was. I thought I was doing well. When you are constantly told how strong and brave you are, you begin to believe it, even when you know deep inside you that your not. It's a facade. It's a smile that hides the longing to uncontrollably weep. Its the the daily activities you throw yourself into that hide your desire to stay in bed forever. Its jumping from relationship to relationship just so you can't feel the pain of being alone. The feelings and emotions are not a lie, you can truly be in love and genuinely want and desire the love and acceptance of another. Thats how my relationships were. They were real and not in vain. I loved with all of me and gave everything I had. But when that relationship defines your happiness and your existence, you begin to unravel. You begin conforming who you are and what you want to be, just to feel like you are somebody. Thats when you begin to lose yourself. You become this person that people expect you to be, and you desperately try to conform to someone's liking out of the desperation and fear of being alone. There is no greater fear as a widow than being left forever. A fear of never finding that person again who makes you whole. Regardless of fate or destiny or chance, the mere fact is is you were left to fight this fight alone. There is no one that is going to take away the pain, there is no thing that is going to replace the pain, and no matter how hard you try to cover the pain, it somehow comes back.

Every time the pain comes back though, it brings with it a new demon. It surfaces insecurities you never knew you had. This is what I have been experiencing. It makes you question the person you are. It makes you question your purpose; your reason for being the one who is still here. When you lose sight of your reason, and your facade of strength and purpose are torn down by someone, the scars and deep wounds of your entire life are exposed. Sometimes wounds you never knew you had.

My life has not been easy. At the age of 8 my biological father killed himself. When you are 8 years old this doesn't really mean anything other than simple childlike sadness and one less card on your birthday. You cannot fathom the depth of pain and heartache this will cause in your life. As you grow older you slowly understand more. But until you go through a major life changing and heart breaking trail, you can't fully sympathize. Let alone empathize. I have always made it a point to be the outgoing, loud, "life of the party" type of girl. For as long as I can remember I have been "afraid" to be sad. I have been "afraid" to be the quiet one. I have been "afraid" to share the vulnerable side of my personality with others. Why? Because for so long I was ashamed of my father and the social stigma he had attached to him. I didn't want people to look at me and say, "Wow. I hope she doesn't end up like him". Suicide is an awful, awful selfish act. It is cowardly and manipulative and an act of desperation. And until recently, I could never understand how someone could do such a thing.

There are times in our life that we are redefined as humans. There are milestones or events that cause us to change our person, some of these events are significant, some are not. It's what we take of these events and what we make of them that not only define our character, but reshape our character. It's an unexplainably scary position to be in when you realize the person you have become is part real, part facade. It scared the hell out of me recently to discover that I actually empathized with my father. I got to a point where I was so low that I actually understood why he did what he did. Having the ability to be that honest with myself has been a great struggle in my life. I like the person I am, I know what I want out of life. But there is also a side of me that I have not explored and have not dug deep into. Why? For fear of what I may find. I know it's not going to be pretty and bringing it out is going to be painful. Very painful. And for the last 28 years, I have been afraid of pain.

I was reminded tonight however, that regardless of what I may find, what insecurities or fears I will face on this new journey, I am covered by grace. Although I may feel alone, I am never truly alone. My God has brought me this far, and he will continue to bring me through and out of this darkness. Its time to shed the skin though and reveal the flesh. The wounds may be out in the open, but how am I ever to heal if I keep covering them up? I don't need the approval of others, because I know who I am, the good and the bad. I know that my imperfections are covered by grace and I am loved regardless by the one and only person I need to be loved by. Like the end of the song says,

"My sin not in part, but the whole.
Are nailed to the cross and I bear it no more...".

It's not just the surface that is going to be shed through this transition, but the whole. And when I come out of this, I will bear it no more.

Happy Two Year Anniversary My Love

Dear Michael,
Two years ago tomorrow, Sept. 30 2006, we danced to Rascal Flatts',  "God Bless the Broken Road", surrounded by all of our friends and family at our wedding. As I lay here tonight and remember that night, I can't help but smile.

I smile at how excited I was on this night two years ago. It was the night before I became your wife. I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with you Michael. Everything was right in my world then. We had friends and family from all over the country come to share in our joy. I couldn't wait to look beautiful for you. I couldn't wait to come out of the doors at the church and see you waiting for me at the end of the isle. I couldn't wait to look you in the eyes and vow my life to you. I loved you so much, Michael. I loved us so much. We were amazing together, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

We were so excited about our future. We talked about kids, buying a house, traveling, working together to give back to the cancer community. We had so much fun talking and planning all these things didn't we?? Our honeymoon was magical. Remember the night at the piano bar in San Antonio?? Or the 5 crazy cats on the porch of the B&B?!?  That was after the fancy $210 lobster dinner. You were such a good sport, honey. Didn't even care that I didn't ask the waiter what the 'market" price was. :o) You told me, "when are we ever going to go on our honeymoon again baby? who cares...." Maybe thats why you tipped the piano guy $80 for playing Ben Folds. Hahaha. Or maybe that was because of all the wine we had! Either way, we had so much fun didn't we??

Tonight I'm listening to a new Rascal Flatts song, "Here".... and some of my favorite lyrics,

 ...."I wouldn't change a thing, I'd walk right back through the rain.... I'd relive all the years, and be thankful for the tears....."

I can't tell you how true that is my love. I wouldn't change a single moment I shared with you, the good times and bad, in sickness and health, I'd walk right back through the rain with you, Michael. I'd relive all the years, and I would be thankful for the tears. Why? Because I shared them with you. And everything I shared with you was sacred my dear, everything.

I love you, Michael Alan Minton. I am thinking of you tonight, and I will be by your side in the morning. Celebrating our life and our love together. Goodnight my love..... Happy anniversary.

Love,

Your wife

facing fears vol.1

you know how people sometimes say you have to face your fears to get over them? there are two fears i have faced since Michael died. two fears i was not planning on ever facing or conquering. they may sound trivial, but they are real. and one of them i faced tonight.
for 9 1/2 years my dad has played piano at The Panda Inn restaurant on friday and saturday nights. when michael and i started dating, michael began rotating nights with my dad and soon became a regular "piano man" at Panda. we all used to gather for dinner with friends and family and see my husband play. he always played my song, Dancing in the Sand, and he always ended his set with " What a Wonderful World". i have not been back to the restaurant since Michael died. didn't think i could handle seeing that piano again. well... tonight was my dads last night at Panda, and i went. i thought it would be hard, but it wasn't bad. i didn't even tear up until i went up to the piano to congratulate my dad. sitting in a frame on the piano was the picture from the dispatch. seeing that choked me up a little. other than that i was ok. i was only at the restaurant for about 5 minutes because i have been really sick. but i did it. i faced that fear and i overcame it. and i know it meant a lot to my dad to see me there.
the next fear is going back to the james. i have not been back into that hospital since the day i left my husband there. our final trip there i knew would end in me leaving without him. and i have not set foot in there since. that one is going to be a little more difficult. and in my own timing, i will do it. and i will overcome it. That will be Facing Fears Vol. 2

Livestrong Summit 2008

Hey Everyone!

For those of you who don't know, I applied and was accepted as a 2008 Lance Armstrong Foundation Summit delegate. This was a weekend gathering of 1000 people from across the United States, coming together to train, equip and learn how to make cancer a national priority. The theme of the weekend was, "Vote Yellow", encouraging us to really understand and be informed on where our politicians stand in the war against cancer. There was intense training on grassroots movements in the arena of advocacy, elections and fundraising. I learned so much and met so many amazing people through this experience. I saw leaders talk about both their personal battle with cancer, as well as cancer issues as a whole. The weekend was filled with passion, commitment and a sincere determination from every delegate to unite and make cancer a national priority.

The kick off to the event was Thursday night as we were introduced to the summit by Lance Armstrong. Keynote speaker was presidential candidate, John McCain. As cancer is a non-partisan issue, Barack Obama was also asked to attend but could not due to schedule conflict. It was a good speech and there was allotted time after for open discussion. The evening was packed full of energy and the Senator McCain promised to reverse the current trend of cutting funds in the NIH. Overall it was a great way to kick off the event.

Day one went right into the track training. The morning started off with former Surgeon General Dr. Richard Carmona. He gave a great speech on the state of current cancer legislature and legislature still awaiting  support and approval. We then broke into a 5 hour in depth training in the track of our choice. I chose to train under the advocacy track, learning how to be a better advocate for cancer at every level. We received training that ranged from patient advocacy at a one-on-one patient level, to patient advocating and lobbying on Capital Hill. We were taught how to use our resources to further our cause, and how to make the most out of both earned media and social networking. We were trained on proper messaging techniques as well. The day concluded with a message from Dr. Harold Freeman of the Ralph Lauren cancer center in Harlem. He was an amazing man and a very motivational speaker.

Day two started off with a wonderful speech from Ms. Stephanie Spielman. She spoke on the importance of support from family and spouse at the time of diagnosis, as well as the the tole that care taking can be on a support person. She was very down to earth and very humbled by her husbands decision to leave the NFL to care for her when she got sick. It was an amazing story. Her speech was followed by a 6 hour day of training, again in the grassroots advocacy track. That night we were all invited to the Zoo for our Livestrong dinner and Zoo night. That was a great opportunity to meet people and really learn more about them and how cancer has affected their life. It was a lot of fun!

And today, the conclusion of the event, was incredible. We had a panel discussion of doctors, including Dr. Sanjay Gupta of CNN, Dr. Bernadine Healy of US News & World report and Dr. E. Gordon Gee of The Ohio State University. It was a 3 hour discussion that would be way to long to recap in blog, but their insight into the political, ethical and medical aspects of cancer were amazing. These are incredibly talented and well educated people that I really learned a lot from. 

And last but NOT least, I had an opportunity to meet Lance Armstrong's mom, and was able to tell her a little about our story and give her 3 of Michaels CD's! She asked if she could give one to Lance and I was like..."Uh, Yeah!" It was an amazing weekend and a huge opportunity for me to learn what I can do in this fight against cancer.....because if you don't fight cancer....."you don't know Jack!" :o)

Hollywood Ending...

So I want to know.... when in real life do you really see a "Hollywood" ending??You know.... you meet someone in Seattle on a radio show....fall in love...and meet at the Empire State building to look into each others eyes and live happily ever after? Or when does the man of your dreams, who is engaged to someone else, decide he can't live without you and finds you in a city park and you dance in the rain? Oh yeah....and you can't forget the feeling of that first time forbidden love with the rebel from the other side of the tracks... the one who happens to be a sweet, sensitive guy who shows everyone in the end that..."nobody puts Baby in the corner".

Yes, they are movies. Yes, it's Hollywood. Sleepless in Seattle. The Wedding Planner. Dirty Dancing. "Romantic comedy's", or as they are more widely known...."chick flicks". Why have they been given this title? Simple. Chick flicks give us hope. Chick flicks give us the chance to see that other people out there, although fictional, want and desire the same things as we do. It gives us a promise of that perfect guy or girl out there who will show up in the middle of the night proclaiming their love for us with a tear in their eye and hope in their heart. But come on.....does this SERIOUSLY ever happen???

YES!!!

I have decided that I am proclaiming; speaking it into existence that yes, one day it will happen! Do I know when? No. Do I know how? No. Do I know who it will be with? Hell, no! But I know one thing. I am, from this day forward, keeping the hope alive that I will get my Hollywood ending!

The movie Love Actually is a brilliant movie. If you have not seen it, go do it. I mean it. This movie follows so many different "love" stories, showing that there are many different kinds of love. And even if you don't find your Hollywood ending where you think it should be, wait. Wait, and love will find YOU. Wait, and love will come around. Wait and love will show up when you least expect it, and maybe in a way you never expected it. Because if you look around, and sometimes you really have to work hard to see it, love actually is all around us! It's in different forms. It's in friendships. In parenthood. In a pet. In a new found talent. In an accomplishment. In a sister. In a brother. In music. In life.

I heard a quote the other day that inspired me and moved me so deeply, and I will hold onto this until I get my Hollywood ending....

"Waiting is the worst part of life....

But the best part of life is having....

something worth waiting for".

Just wait....we will get our Hollywood ending.

I went on a cleaning spree tonight. I mean, a real frenzy! I swept, mopped, scrubbed, organized and so on. I cleaned out drawers, organized closets and even dropped tea tree oil on the carpet so when I vacuumed it would smell fresh and clean. I was nuts! And you know what happens when you clean for 3 1/2 hours strait...you have a LOT of time to think. "Cleaning out the closets" seemed an appropriate title for this blog. This has been on my mind for a while....

Something happened to me a year or so ago, a comment was made to me that I have never forgotten. It was said with a smile and a chuckle...meant to be a joke, and of course I laughed and responded accordingly....but inside it really made me THINK. That comment has stuck with me in the back of my mind to this day. For those of you who do not know, I was married once before Michael. (Hell, if I'm going to write a book, I may as well start opening the closets before someone else opens them for me). It was a short marriage, and out of respect for my ex-husband, I will not go into the details and reasons for our divorce. I will simply say I had no choice. I had to end the marriage. I have not told many people about this, so to some who find out, it comes as quite a surprise. For some reason, in this conversation I was having, I chose to share an experience I had had with my first husband. It was a group conversation, and when I said something about him, this person turned and looked at me and said...."You have been married twice?" To which I responded, "Yep"...she chuckled a little and then said....."So if you get married again you'll be a third time loser like me". Ouch.

It sucks when reality bites you in the ass, huh? She didn't mean it to be hurtful, she was simply making a "funny" statement. But the reality is....if I do indeed get married again, yes, it will be my third marriage. And I am 28 years old. Sometimes that really gets to me and I feel embarrassed. I think about it often. I think about how I want the excitement of a "first" romance, a "first" proposal", a "first" fairy tail wedding.... I know how important that is, and how special that is. Sometimes I let it get to me in a negative way, and I think to myself..."wow...I really am a third time loser". It's hard for me to think, "wow....I just met someone totally great and if he is uncomfortable with my past, he has every right to be...I just have to deal with it." If someone wants to experience a "first", I have to accept that it won't be with me. That's when I have to sit down and give myself a little pep talk

In my pep talks I have to tell myself...the "end" of my two marriages were not my fault. One was a reason I could not ignore, and one was death. I was an innocent party, a victim of unfortunate circumstances. I didn't chose those endings, they were handed to me. I would have easily taken "happily ever after". However... I have never once treated myself like a victim, and have never given up on what I want in life. When I have fallen, I have picked myself back up and started over again. It takes a little more faith now, but I know that I will get what I want....when the time is right.

A friend sent me a comment tonight that seemed so appropriate to this topic. She said, "Can't we just run away and start over? I don't like being an adult sometimes". I would love to "start over" sometimes. To wipe the slate clean and not have any baggage. My marriage to Michael was the most wonderful thing that has happened to me yet, THAT I would not trade for the world. But would it be nice to "start over"? Yes. It would be nice to be seen as the strong, confident, full of love woman that I am.....and not constantly worry if the other person is also thinking..."yeah, but she's a third time loser".

Tough one.

Life

It's been almost a month since I last blogged. I was in a rut, feeling out of my element and uninspired. Life was hectic, and crazy. I was unhappy living in my grandmothers house and I decided I needed to do something about it. I was also busy planning the CD release party for Michael. I was building my business at the salon, while looking for a part-time summer job as well. I was also in the beginning of a new relationship. My plate was full, and therefore my writing got pushed aside.

I have come a long way in a short amount of time. I feel as though things are starting to "settle", and as much as I desire that and welcome that, it also brings a sense of closure to my "life as I knew it".

Starting off, Michael's CD release party was a huge success. Even if only 1 CD had been purchased (which it wasn't, we sold many more than that), we had a great night of music, showcasing so much talent. We had a night of honoring and remembering Michael not for his cancer, but for his music. This event showed so many what we already knew, how amazing and talented my husband was. There were so many people who put months and months of work into this event. There was so much love that night. It was truly beautiful.

With that being said, it was also a night of closure. It was hard to plan and plan and plan a night centered around my husband, knowing that at the end of the evening, nothing would change, he would still be gone. That part is still hard for me. Making slide shows, going through pictures, rehearsing with the bands Michael played with, it was all so surreal knowing that we were doing all of this without him. There were times I would look up on the stage and expect to see him sitting there. Or times that something would happen and I would know exactly what Michael would have done or said. I could see his smile, hear his laugh and feel his presence. It was beautiful, but sad. I missed him. A lot. And preparing for this event brought a lot of those feelings back.

It's like that when I go to the cemetery. When I pull in the drive, I can't believe I'm actually there. I can't describe the feeling, it's just surreal. It hits me a different way every time. Every time I go there I have a different though or feel, but it always goes back to not believing it actually happened. I never expected Michael to die. I didn't think twice about marrying him, not once. But in my mind I never expected anything but him making it through it. Sometimes the shock factor still gets to me, even after a year.

So that was the hard part about the party, but overall it was an amazing night, filled with amazing people.

Moving on....I moved into an apartment about two weeks ago. I got rid of almost everything before I left Phoenix, so starting over in a new place has been interesting. I'm not used to having so little, but in a way it's nice. Not a lot of "junk". Still, a dresser and some end tables would be nice! :o) These things will come in time. I'm not too worried about it. My apartment is fantastic. I live about 1/4 of a mile from work, so I often walk. I am close to coffee shops, grocery stores, bars and clothing stores, and with gas prices, this is all a good thing. That was one key factor in deciding where to live. It's nice here, I really like it and feel like once I get settled and make some "cosmetic" changes to my place I will feel more and more "at home". Being on my own again is a fantastic feeling. It did, however, bring me to another surreal and difficult "Michael moment". (That's what I call the rough times when I'm sad about him, "Michael moments".)

While unpacking and moving in, I also unpacked all the boxes from Phoenix that I did move. All of the important stuff. Of course, in those boxes, were hundreds of pictures of Michael and I. That was rough. I also went to the storage garage that some stuff from our previous apartment was put in. I decided to use the old love seat we had, but going into that garage and seeing some of our stuff was not easy. Just a reminder of how final death is, and how no matter where you go or what you do or how much time passes, life has to go on. Again, a feeling that I cannot accurately describe.

And last, but most importantly in my life, I met someone. Someone amazing. I have not discussed with him his feeling about "blogging" about our relationship, so for now I will hold back and simply say that people are put in your life for a reason and there is no way of denying that his man was put in my life for a very special reason. He is amazing and I am very blessed. And very, very happy.

Hopefully I will start blogging more now that I feel a little more settled....my next big goal, buy a laptop and start my book :o)