Happy Two Year Anniversary My Love

Dear Michael,
Two years ago tomorrow, Sept. 30 2006, we danced to Rascal Flatts',  "God Bless the Broken Road", surrounded by all of our friends and family at our wedding. As I lay here tonight and remember that night, I can't help but smile.

I smile at how excited I was on this night two years ago. It was the night before I became your wife. I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with you Michael. Everything was right in my world then. We had friends and family from all over the country come to share in our joy. I couldn't wait to look beautiful for you. I couldn't wait to come out of the doors at the church and see you waiting for me at the end of the isle. I couldn't wait to look you in the eyes and vow my life to you. I loved you so much, Michael. I loved us so much. We were amazing together, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

We were so excited about our future. We talked about kids, buying a house, traveling, working together to give back to the cancer community. We had so much fun talking and planning all these things didn't we?? Our honeymoon was magical. Remember the night at the piano bar in San Antonio?? Or the 5 crazy cats on the porch of the B&B?!?  That was after the fancy $210 lobster dinner. You were such a good sport, honey. Didn't even care that I didn't ask the waiter what the 'market" price was. :o) You told me, "when are we ever going to go on our honeymoon again baby? who cares...." Maybe thats why you tipped the piano guy $80 for playing Ben Folds. Hahaha. Or maybe that was because of all the wine we had! Either way, we had so much fun didn't we??

Tonight I'm listening to a new Rascal Flatts song, "Here".... and some of my favorite lyrics,

 ...."I wouldn't change a thing, I'd walk right back through the rain.... I'd relive all the years, and be thankful for the tears....."

I can't tell you how true that is my love. I wouldn't change a single moment I shared with you, the good times and bad, in sickness and health, I'd walk right back through the rain with you, Michael. I'd relive all the years, and I would be thankful for the tears. Why? Because I shared them with you. And everything I shared with you was sacred my dear, everything.

I love you, Michael Alan Minton. I am thinking of you tonight, and I will be by your side in the morning. Celebrating our life and our love together. Goodnight my love..... Happy anniversary.

Love,

Your wife

facing fears vol.1

you know how people sometimes say you have to face your fears to get over them? there are two fears i have faced since Michael died. two fears i was not planning on ever facing or conquering. they may sound trivial, but they are real. and one of them i faced tonight.
for 9 1/2 years my dad has played piano at The Panda Inn restaurant on friday and saturday nights. when michael and i started dating, michael began rotating nights with my dad and soon became a regular "piano man" at Panda. we all used to gather for dinner with friends and family and see my husband play. he always played my song, Dancing in the Sand, and he always ended his set with " What a Wonderful World". i have not been back to the restaurant since Michael died. didn't think i could handle seeing that piano again. well... tonight was my dads last night at Panda, and i went. i thought it would be hard, but it wasn't bad. i didn't even tear up until i went up to the piano to congratulate my dad. sitting in a frame on the piano was the picture from the dispatch. seeing that choked me up a little. other than that i was ok. i was only at the restaurant for about 5 minutes because i have been really sick. but i did it. i faced that fear and i overcame it. and i know it meant a lot to my dad to see me there.
the next fear is going back to the james. i have not been back into that hospital since the day i left my husband there. our final trip there i knew would end in me leaving without him. and i have not set foot in there since. that one is going to be a little more difficult. and in my own timing, i will do it. and i will overcome it. That will be Facing Fears Vol. 2

Livestrong Summit 2008

Hey Everyone!

For those of you who don't know, I applied and was accepted as a 2008 Lance Armstrong Foundation Summit delegate. This was a weekend gathering of 1000 people from across the United States, coming together to train, equip and learn how to make cancer a national priority. The theme of the weekend was, "Vote Yellow", encouraging us to really understand and be informed on where our politicians stand in the war against cancer. There was intense training on grassroots movements in the arena of advocacy, elections and fundraising. I learned so much and met so many amazing people through this experience. I saw leaders talk about both their personal battle with cancer, as well as cancer issues as a whole. The weekend was filled with passion, commitment and a sincere determination from every delegate to unite and make cancer a national priority.

The kick off to the event was Thursday night as we were introduced to the summit by Lance Armstrong. Keynote speaker was presidential candidate, John McCain. As cancer is a non-partisan issue, Barack Obama was also asked to attend but could not due to schedule conflict. It was a good speech and there was allotted time after for open discussion. The evening was packed full of energy and the Senator McCain promised to reverse the current trend of cutting funds in the NIH. Overall it was a great way to kick off the event.

Day one went right into the track training. The morning started off with former Surgeon General Dr. Richard Carmona. He gave a great speech on the state of current cancer legislature and legislature still awaiting  support and approval. We then broke into a 5 hour in depth training in the track of our choice. I chose to train under the advocacy track, learning how to be a better advocate for cancer at every level. We received training that ranged from patient advocacy at a one-on-one patient level, to patient advocating and lobbying on Capital Hill. We were taught how to use our resources to further our cause, and how to make the most out of both earned media and social networking. We were trained on proper messaging techniques as well. The day concluded with a message from Dr. Harold Freeman of the Ralph Lauren cancer center in Harlem. He was an amazing man and a very motivational speaker.

Day two started off with a wonderful speech from Ms. Stephanie Spielman. She spoke on the importance of support from family and spouse at the time of diagnosis, as well as the the tole that care taking can be on a support person. She was very down to earth and very humbled by her husbands decision to leave the NFL to care for her when she got sick. It was an amazing story. Her speech was followed by a 6 hour day of training, again in the grassroots advocacy track. That night we were all invited to the Zoo for our Livestrong dinner and Zoo night. That was a great opportunity to meet people and really learn more about them and how cancer has affected their life. It was a lot of fun!

And today, the conclusion of the event, was incredible. We had a panel discussion of doctors, including Dr. Sanjay Gupta of CNN, Dr. Bernadine Healy of US News & World report and Dr. E. Gordon Gee of The Ohio State University. It was a 3 hour discussion that would be way to long to recap in blog, but their insight into the political, ethical and medical aspects of cancer were amazing. These are incredibly talented and well educated people that I really learned a lot from. 

And last but NOT least, I had an opportunity to meet Lance Armstrong's mom, and was able to tell her a little about our story and give her 3 of Michaels CD's! She asked if she could give one to Lance and I was like..."Uh, Yeah!" It was an amazing weekend and a huge opportunity for me to learn what I can do in this fight against cancer.....because if you don't fight cancer....."you don't know Jack!" :o)

Hollywood Ending...

So I want to know.... when in real life do you really see a "Hollywood" ending??You know.... you meet someone in Seattle on a radio show....fall in love...and meet at the Empire State building to look into each others eyes and live happily ever after? Or when does the man of your dreams, who is engaged to someone else, decide he can't live without you and finds you in a city park and you dance in the rain? Oh yeah....and you can't forget the feeling of that first time forbidden love with the rebel from the other side of the tracks... the one who happens to be a sweet, sensitive guy who shows everyone in the end that..."nobody puts Baby in the corner".

Yes, they are movies. Yes, it's Hollywood. Sleepless in Seattle. The Wedding Planner. Dirty Dancing. "Romantic comedy's", or as they are more widely known...."chick flicks". Why have they been given this title? Simple. Chick flicks give us hope. Chick flicks give us the chance to see that other people out there, although fictional, want and desire the same things as we do. It gives us a promise of that perfect guy or girl out there who will show up in the middle of the night proclaiming their love for us with a tear in their eye and hope in their heart. But come on.....does this SERIOUSLY ever happen???

YES!!!

I have decided that I am proclaiming; speaking it into existence that yes, one day it will happen! Do I know when? No. Do I know how? No. Do I know who it will be with? Hell, no! But I know one thing. I am, from this day forward, keeping the hope alive that I will get my Hollywood ending!

The movie Love Actually is a brilliant movie. If you have not seen it, go do it. I mean it. This movie follows so many different "love" stories, showing that there are many different kinds of love. And even if you don't find your Hollywood ending where you think it should be, wait. Wait, and love will find YOU. Wait, and love will come around. Wait and love will show up when you least expect it, and maybe in a way you never expected it. Because if you look around, and sometimes you really have to work hard to see it, love actually is all around us! It's in different forms. It's in friendships. In parenthood. In a pet. In a new found talent. In an accomplishment. In a sister. In a brother. In music. In life.

I heard a quote the other day that inspired me and moved me so deeply, and I will hold onto this until I get my Hollywood ending....

"Waiting is the worst part of life....

But the best part of life is having....

something worth waiting for".

Just wait....we will get our Hollywood ending.

I went on a cleaning spree tonight. I mean, a real frenzy! I swept, mopped, scrubbed, organized and so on. I cleaned out drawers, organized closets and even dropped tea tree oil on the carpet so when I vacuumed it would smell fresh and clean. I was nuts! And you know what happens when you clean for 3 1/2 hours strait...you have a LOT of time to think. "Cleaning out the closets" seemed an appropriate title for this blog. This has been on my mind for a while....

Something happened to me a year or so ago, a comment was made to me that I have never forgotten. It was said with a smile and a chuckle...meant to be a joke, and of course I laughed and responded accordingly....but inside it really made me THINK. That comment has stuck with me in the back of my mind to this day. For those of you who do not know, I was married once before Michael. (Hell, if I'm going to write a book, I may as well start opening the closets before someone else opens them for me). It was a short marriage, and out of respect for my ex-husband, I will not go into the details and reasons for our divorce. I will simply say I had no choice. I had to end the marriage. I have not told many people about this, so to some who find out, it comes as quite a surprise. For some reason, in this conversation I was having, I chose to share an experience I had had with my first husband. It was a group conversation, and when I said something about him, this person turned and looked at me and said...."You have been married twice?" To which I responded, "Yep"...she chuckled a little and then said....."So if you get married again you'll be a third time loser like me". Ouch.

It sucks when reality bites you in the ass, huh? She didn't mean it to be hurtful, she was simply making a "funny" statement. But the reality is....if I do indeed get married again, yes, it will be my third marriage. And I am 28 years old. Sometimes that really gets to me and I feel embarrassed. I think about it often. I think about how I want the excitement of a "first" romance, a "first" proposal", a "first" fairy tail wedding.... I know how important that is, and how special that is. Sometimes I let it get to me in a negative way, and I think to myself..."wow...I really am a third time loser". It's hard for me to think, "wow....I just met someone totally great and if he is uncomfortable with my past, he has every right to be...I just have to deal with it." If someone wants to experience a "first", I have to accept that it won't be with me. That's when I have to sit down and give myself a little pep talk

In my pep talks I have to tell myself...the "end" of my two marriages were not my fault. One was a reason I could not ignore, and one was death. I was an innocent party, a victim of unfortunate circumstances. I didn't chose those endings, they were handed to me. I would have easily taken "happily ever after". However... I have never once treated myself like a victim, and have never given up on what I want in life. When I have fallen, I have picked myself back up and started over again. It takes a little more faith now, but I know that I will get what I want....when the time is right.

A friend sent me a comment tonight that seemed so appropriate to this topic. She said, "Can't we just run away and start over? I don't like being an adult sometimes". I would love to "start over" sometimes. To wipe the slate clean and not have any baggage. My marriage to Michael was the most wonderful thing that has happened to me yet, THAT I would not trade for the world. But would it be nice to "start over"? Yes. It would be nice to be seen as the strong, confident, full of love woman that I am.....and not constantly worry if the other person is also thinking..."yeah, but she's a third time loser".

Tough one.

Life

It's been almost a month since I last blogged. I was in a rut, feeling out of my element and uninspired. Life was hectic, and crazy. I was unhappy living in my grandmothers house and I decided I needed to do something about it. I was also busy planning the CD release party for Michael. I was building my business at the salon, while looking for a part-time summer job as well. I was also in the beginning of a new relationship. My plate was full, and therefore my writing got pushed aside.

I have come a long way in a short amount of time. I feel as though things are starting to "settle", and as much as I desire that and welcome that, it also brings a sense of closure to my "life as I knew it".

Starting off, Michael's CD release party was a huge success. Even if only 1 CD had been purchased (which it wasn't, we sold many more than that), we had a great night of music, showcasing so much talent. We had a night of honoring and remembering Michael not for his cancer, but for his music. This event showed so many what we already knew, how amazing and talented my husband was. There were so many people who put months and months of work into this event. There was so much love that night. It was truly beautiful.

With that being said, it was also a night of closure. It was hard to plan and plan and plan a night centered around my husband, knowing that at the end of the evening, nothing would change, he would still be gone. That part is still hard for me. Making slide shows, going through pictures, rehearsing with the bands Michael played with, it was all so surreal knowing that we were doing all of this without him. There were times I would look up on the stage and expect to see him sitting there. Or times that something would happen and I would know exactly what Michael would have done or said. I could see his smile, hear his laugh and feel his presence. It was beautiful, but sad. I missed him. A lot. And preparing for this event brought a lot of those feelings back.

It's like that when I go to the cemetery. When I pull in the drive, I can't believe I'm actually there. I can't describe the feeling, it's just surreal. It hits me a different way every time. Every time I go there I have a different though or feel, but it always goes back to not believing it actually happened. I never expected Michael to die. I didn't think twice about marrying him, not once. But in my mind I never expected anything but him making it through it. Sometimes the shock factor still gets to me, even after a year.

So that was the hard part about the party, but overall it was an amazing night, filled with amazing people.

Moving on....I moved into an apartment about two weeks ago. I got rid of almost everything before I left Phoenix, so starting over in a new place has been interesting. I'm not used to having so little, but in a way it's nice. Not a lot of "junk". Still, a dresser and some end tables would be nice! :o) These things will come in time. I'm not too worried about it. My apartment is fantastic. I live about 1/4 of a mile from work, so I often walk. I am close to coffee shops, grocery stores, bars and clothing stores, and with gas prices, this is all a good thing. That was one key factor in deciding where to live. It's nice here, I really like it and feel like once I get settled and make some "cosmetic" changes to my place I will feel more and more "at home". Being on my own again is a fantastic feeling. It did, however, bring me to another surreal and difficult "Michael moment". (That's what I call the rough times when I'm sad about him, "Michael moments".)

While unpacking and moving in, I also unpacked all the boxes from Phoenix that I did move. All of the important stuff. Of course, in those boxes, were hundreds of pictures of Michael and I. That was rough. I also went to the storage garage that some stuff from our previous apartment was put in. I decided to use the old love seat we had, but going into that garage and seeing some of our stuff was not easy. Just a reminder of how final death is, and how no matter where you go or what you do or how much time passes, life has to go on. Again, a feeling that I cannot accurately describe.

And last, but most importantly in my life, I met someone. Someone amazing. I have not discussed with him his feeling about "blogging" about our relationship, so for now I will hold back and simply say that people are put in your life for a reason and there is no way of denying that his man was put in my life for a very special reason. He is amazing and I am very blessed. And very, very happy.

Hopefully I will start blogging more now that I feel a little more settled....my next big goal, buy a laptop and start my book :o)

In a rut

So, as you all can see, I have not blogged in a while. I have had a severe case of writers block. To be completely honest, I feel like I'm in a bit of a rut. I feel disconnected, displaced and un-motivated. Now before you go thinking, "good grief woman, quit complaining!"...just hear me out on this one.

Moving to Phoenix was one of the most independent things I have ever done. I was forced to survive on my own. I had to get a job that paid well. I had to buy all new furniture for my new apartment. I had to make new friends, learn a new city and start my life completely over in unfamiliar territory. I relied on no one but me.

Now returning to Columbus has been COMPLETELY different. I moved in with my grandma because I chose a career that does not guarantee me a steady income. Literally. If I am at work for 8 hours, and I have no clients, I make no money. Now, with that being said, my career has been taking OFF and I have been super busy! This is all fine and great, and I'm very happy about my job, I love it actually. However, busy today does not mean busy tomorrow. It's not steady. There is no "set" income. So, I went from having a $800+ rent in Phoenix and being totally comfortable with that, to looking for an apartment in Columbus that's around $450-$550 and being NERVOUS about that. And let me tell you, there is something to be said about being in your late twenties and not living on your own. It sucks.

That, I feel, is where my little "rut" stems from. Home, and all of the comforts that "home" brings, is way underestimated. I love feeling comfortable and set in a home. I like to have my stuff, in my place, with my routine. I like to have things in my home that make it warm and inviting. Things that remind me of where I have been, and things that motivate me to get where I am going. Home is comfort, and if I don't feel at home where I am living, my comfort level is thrown completely off. Therefore, my motivation, my energy level, my overall personality are altered.

Am I just bitching or do I have a point? I have a point. I know we are challenged to make the best of our current situations. We are expected to adapt to the things in our life that we cannot control, however, there comes a point in life when maybe what you cannot control is the one thing you realize is most important to you. At that point you start to take things into your own hands and actively seek out a solution for them. While I know that I probably can not afford an apartment RIGHT this minute, I can actively take steps to get myself to that goal as soon as possible. This is one of those times of mental discipline, where I have to step back and force myself to adapt. I have to try, with every ounce of energy in my body, to make the best of my current situation, and strive to create my ideal situation.

I have come to a point in my "journey" where I am completely at a loss and feel I have to choice but to just give up. That may sound strange and may sound like a defeating statement, but let me explain.

While I was living in Phoenix, I never watched TV. I never read the newspaper. I never read Yahoo! news. I did nothing to expose myself to anything negative. I tried my hardest to surround myself with nothing but positive energy and good news. In doing this, I think I did myself both an honor and a disservice. I focused on all of the good things in life, and allowed myself to deal only with the personal pain and trauma I had been through over the past year. I'm realizing lately, however, that by avoiding the "reality" of my outside world, I also did not allow myself the chance to learn how to cope with other tragedy. In healing myself, I sheltered myself. At the time, I'm sure it's what I needed. It was best for me to deal with my pain and loss before I faced that of the outside world.

I'm realizing now that fear of "tragedy" is becoming invasive in my everyday experiences. I have always talked about living life to the fullest, about taking risks and measuring your life in love. But what happens when you are presented with the opportunity to love, to reach out to someone, no matter what kind of situation it may be, and you are too gripped by fear to take that chance? I'm terrified to love for fear that I might lose.

Yesterday I read the newspaper for the first time in years. I started on the front page and read the entire section. In that section I read about two teenagers killed in a car accident, a man who was arrested at the site of his sons car crash for punching a police officer to try to get to his dying son, a father who cheated on his wife with a Canadian stripper, then killed his wife and kids "for her", and on the last page were the obituaries. Now, in saying that, I'm sure I could have gone on to other sections and found something good, but I was so mentally exhausted at that point I didn't want to go any further. I was in a funk all day. It really depressed me and my focus that day was on tragedy.

I think the icing on the cake was watching my favorite show tonight, Grey's Anatomy. I was super pumped, had the evening all planned with my mom. It was going to be fun. But from the moment it started, I had this knot in my stomach. I was watching fake people, on a fake show, with fake injuries and a fake story line. But to me the tragedy and the pain these characters were going through was real and too much for me to handle. I wanted to burst into tears. How weird is that? It was a TV show!

So what I am realizing now is that I have no choice but to give up. I am afraid. I am being held captive by fear and fear of tragedy. And by giving up, I mean that I have to now make a valiant effort to try to learn how to let go of that fear, and allow my faith in God to take over. God has proven to me, time and time again, that even through tragedy, He is right there beside me. He will never let me go, He will never give me more than I can handle. But again, it's easy to remember that, easy to say that, easy to type that, but takes effort and choice to live that. So that's where I am. Making an effort to go to God and "give up" my fear, and accept that He will provide protection and teach me to love without fear. No matter what is going on in the world around me.

Her loss, My loss

I made an observation the other night. An observation that I was not expecting, nor did I see coming. Something that hit me so profoundly, that it took my words away for a moment and all I could do was simply sit and watch and take it in. And then reflect.

My grandfather passed away 7 weeks to the day before my husband. He was in his eighties and lived a long, full life. He was a nuclear chemist and an accomplished musician. He and my grandmother married when he was in his thirties, she in her twenties. They lived in Oakridge Tennessee, raised three sons and one daughter, and traveled the world together. They lived a wonderful life, and always seemed happy and loving to one another. I always remember my grandfather being so affectionate towards my grandmother. They were truely in love.

On February 13, 2007 my grandmother became a widow at the age of 73. On April 3, 2007, I became a widow at the age of 26. Both of us lost our husbands. Both to cancer. We both lost our world as we knew it. We both lost the half that made us whole. Our life partners. Our soul mates. And with a 47 year age difference between us, our pain was the same, our loss was the same, but our lives going forward would be immeasurably different.

I came down stairs Friday night, getting ready for a "first date." I walked into the sun room where my grandmother was relaxing on a sofa. I asked her opinion on what jacket I should wear on my date. She was very sweet. She told me which one, in her opinion, was better. I went with her advise and sat down on the chair across from her and waited for my date to arrive.

As I was sitting there, I saw, firsthand, the biggest difference in our parallel fate. And what I saw broke my heart. She had turned on some jazz music. Ella Fitzgerald to be exact. She had closed her eyes and leaned back on the couch. Above her, on a shelf, was a picture of her and my grandfather playing music together. They looked so young, so full of life, so happy to be together. As I saw the picture and heard the music, it took even me back to those early days of their life together. I looked down and realized that as a widow her age, her future painted a very different picture than a widow my age. She looked so lonely. And at that moment, I couldn't imagine her kind of pain. I really empathized with her. For me, on days that I am really down, or really struggling with missing Michael, it's the hope that I will find love again that gets me through. Its the hope of one day having a family, making memories, building a lifetime with someone that pushes me to move on, to take steps to move forward and get past my heartache. But for her, she had love, she had a family, she had a lifetime with someone, and now all she has left are memories. I can't imagine trying to get through the day knowing that your one and only love is gone.

Her loss and my loss. Same loss, same reason, same pain...totally different future.

One Year Ago...revised

It was a beautiful spring day and I needed to get out of the hopital room for a while. I needed to clear my head, to get fresh air, to take my mind off of what was happening in my life. I remember going to the bike path in Hilliard with my dog. It was unusually warm that day. And very windy. I remember it being very windy. I walked my dog, enjoyed the beautiful spring day we were having, and used the time alone to relax. Unwind.

For the past two and a half years I had been by my husbands side as he battled bone cancer. His was not the typical battle however, and ours was not the typical story. You see, we were twenty-five and twenty six years old. Newlyweds, just starting our life together. We had hopes and dreams. We had plans of a long future together. Plans of buying a house, of having children, of starting our own little life and building a lifetime of lasting memories together.

As I walked back into the hospital room, my mom and mother-in-law were there with my husband. His breathing was significantly louder that when I had left that morning. It was raspy and groggy. I can't describe the way it sounded. It was unlike anything I had ever seen or heard. I went to my usual side of the bed where I would sit with him and hold his hand. This time I didn't let go. For the next four hours I sat on the right side of my husband, leaning over the bed holding his hand and assuring him that it was ok. Telling him how much I loved him. Through raspy breathing, he managed to say, "I love you".

Two months prior, in February of 2007, my husband began recording a CD of music he had written. You see, Michael was an amazingly talented and gifted musician that had a way with bringing the music he wrote to life. His passion for life, and his love for music, flowed through his finger tips and into the keys of his piano. Every song Michael wrote had a story behind it, and every note he played was a piece of his life. He continued writing and recording until a few days before he entered the hospital; the day after his twenty-fifth birthday.

The doctors where in and out. His vital machine was still hooked up and we were asked if we wanted it taken off. All it did was monitor his heart rate and oxygen level, and to be honest, it was a distraction. I often found myself checking numbers instead of watching my husband. I said I wanted it turned off.

I sat and watched as people came in and out of the room. All of our family was there. I have never seen so many people in one room. They were talking, praying, crying, laughing. I could hear everything going on around me, but I had no idea what anyone was saying. I couldn't move. I couldn't leave his side. I couldn't let go of his hand. We had music playing. First his CD, then some worship music, then his CD again. We kept switching it up. I still couldn't take my eyes off him. A little after 8pm as we were listening to the worship CD, I felt the urge to put his CD on. As the first song came on, Dancing in the Sand, the song Michael had written for me, I remember his dad walking over from across the room and taking his other hand. He whispered something in Michaels ear. I think it was, "Jesus loves you", but I don't remember. All I remember is that as Dancing in the Sand began to play, Michaels breathing became quieter. I turned to my mom and I was excited. I said, "Oh, his breathing is getting easier!". But I was wrong. It wasn't getting easier. It was stopping. And as I turned back around to look at my husband, he drew in one final breath. And never exhailed.

That was the moment my world fell apart. I will never forget the feeling of such extreme excruciating sadness that overwhelmed me at that moment. Through uncontrollable sobs, that turned to wails, I kept watching him to see if he would start to breathe again. As everyone in the room gathered together to hold hands and pray, I still could not let go of my husbands lifeless hand. His father began to pray and I suddenly felt like I was going to suffocate. I was so angry that they were praying. I have no idea why, but I was angry. I had to get out. I had to let go. I ran to the bathroom. I collapsed on the bathroom floor and just uncontollably sobbed as my mom held me. I couldn't breath. I couldn't think. I couldn't stop crying and shaking. And as much as I wanted to, I couldn't throw up. All I could do was lay on the floor of the hospital room and grieve the life that had just been taken from me. His and mine.

That was one year ago today.

One Year Ago.........

I wrote this blog about a week ago, on the one year anniversary of Michaels death...Just now posting it....

It was a beautiful spring day and I needed to get out of the hopital room for a while. I needed to clear my head, to get fresh air, to take my mind off of what was happening in my life. I remember going to the bike path in Hilliard with my dog. It was unusually warm that day. And very windy. I remember it being very windy. I walked my dog, enjoyed the beautiful spring day we were having, and used the time alone to relax. Unwind.

As I walked back into the hospital room, my mom and mother-in-law were there with my husband. His breathing was significantly louder that when I had left that morning. It was raspy and groggy. I can't describe the way it sounded. It was unlike anything I had ever seen or heard. I went to my usual side of the bed where I would sit with him and hold his hand. This time I didn't let go.

For the next four hours I sat on the right side of my husband, leaning over the bed holding his hand and assuring him that it was ok. Telling him how much I loved him. The doctors where in and out. His vital machine was still hooked up and we were asked if we wanted it taken off. All it did was monitor his heart rate and oxygen level, and to be honest, it was a distraction. I often found myself checking numbers vs. watching my husband. I said I wanted it turned off. I sat and watched as people came in and out of the room. All of our family was there. I have never seen so many people in one room. They were talking, praying, crying, laughing. I could hear everything going on around me, but I had no idea what anyone was saying. I couldn't move. I couldn't leave his side. I couldn't let go of his hand.

We had music playing. First his CD, then some worship music, then his CD again. We kept switching it up. I couldn't take my eyes off him. A little after 8pm as we were listening to the worship CD again, I felt the urge to put his CD on. As the first song came on, the song Michael had written for me, I remember his dad walking over from across the room and taking his other hand. He whispered something in Michaels ear, I think it was, "Jesus loves you", but I don't remember. All I remember is that as my song began to play Michaels breathing became quieter. I turned to my mom and I was excited. I said, "Oh, his breathing is getting easier!". But I was wrong. It wasn't getting easier. It was stopping. And as I turned back around to look at my husband, he drew in one final breath. And never exhailed.

That was the moment my world fell apart. I will never forget the feeling of such extreme excruciating sadness that overwhelmed me at that moment. Through uncontrollable sobs, that turned to wails, I kept watching him to see if he would start to breathe again. As everyone in the room gathered together to hold hands and pray, I still could not let go of my husbands hand. His father began to pray and I suddenly fely like I was going to suffocate. I was so angry that they were praying. I have no idea why, but I was so angry. I had to get out. I let go of my husbands hand, and my moms, who was on my other side, and ran to the bathroom. I thought I was going to throw up. I collapsed on the bathroom floor and just uncontollably sobbed as my mom held me. I couldn't breath. I couldn't think. I couldn't stop crying, and shaking. And as much as I wanted to, I couldn't throw up. All I could do was lay on the floor of the hospital room and grieve the life that had just been taken from me. His and mine.

That was one year ago today.

The Shadow of Uncertainty....Exposed.

Have you ever been in a place in your life when the shadow of uncertainty seems to loom so heavily over you, you wonder if you will ever be able to outrun it? Change is inevitable in life. Without change I would never grow. Without growth, I would never develop character. Uncertainty is one thing I have had to get use to over the past year. To an extent, we all live our lives under the shadow of uncertainly. But when something beyond our relm of "normal" happens, and our uncertainty is exposed into direct sunlight, it is extemely humbling and makes us realize how much we need to completely turn our lives over to God. We have to trust that in a world of uncertainty, He is always certain.

As I prepare to move home, I am once again stepping into direct sunlight. I'm exposing the fact that I am scared to death of my uncertain future. I'm exposing that I have chosen to follow my heart with my career. I have given God control of the things in my life that, if given the choice, I would much rather have control over! I want to be financially secure, I want to find love again, I want to make my way in this world and leave my own legacy. But in each one of those areas, I am learning that it's not my life and my accomplishments, but rather, God's. I so desperately want to live His will, and do with my life what He wants for me. But to get to that point and discover His plan, I must trust that steping out of the shadow of uncertainty and into direct sunlight is a good thing.

One of the passions I have and something I feel like I need to do is write. I have so many thoughts and feelings in my head. So many joys, fears, frustrations, questions. I know that part of this journey, part of the things I have been through in my life, were preparation for my testimony. If I had to suffer, if I had to experience heartache and pain so that one day I could help someone else, then thats what was suppose to happen. I have accepted that. But I don't want it to be about me. I want it to be about what God can do through me. Thats the thought that keeps me grounded. But this is where the shadow of uncertainty comes into play. I don't know the timing of all of this. I don't know if or when I will have a published book. I don't know if it will support me financially. I don't know. The only thing I do know is that I have to do it. It's not an option. The thoughts and words put into my head are not mine. They are my life experiences, but not my words. Therefore I cannot keep them to myself. Although I do not know the outcome, I must expose this part of me. And as vulnerable as it might make me, I have to trust that God will protect me and guide my steps.

One of the most difficult parts of life to give to God, and face the uncertainty of, is love. This is especially difficult because I have experienced love, and I know love. There are times that the loneliness is so suffocating, so overwhelming, that I am affraid the depth of my sadness will drown me. Sometimes I ache so badly to be held. To be touched. To be looked at adoringly. Being lonely is a terrible feeling. Especially when I have so much love to give in return. I have learned over the past year that trying to fill that void in my heart with anything but God, is not only destructive, but leaves me feeling even worse than before. A very dear friend of mine, who is a very strong Christian woman, once told me that God can be to you everything a Husband would be. I can turn to God for financial stability. He will provide for me. I can turn to God's strength when I am weak. He will protect me. And I can sing to him in praise and worship when my heart is lonely. He will comfort me. And even as I type these things, and God is speaking through me, He is also speaking to me. He is slowly shining His light into the uncertainty of my lonely heart.

As I daily discover and grow and learn to accept uncertainty, I also learn that with uncertainty comes a greater need for faith. I have to have faith that God knows the desires of my heart. He made me. He created me. He knows what I want. I may be uncertain of what my future holds, but I am certain of what God has brought me though. And I know that He has never let me down. Even in my times of loneliness, in times of anger, in times of trust and untrust in Him, He has been there. You know how I know? Because He has given me the strength to come though some terrible things in my life and still have the desire and the ability to see how those situations can be turned around for good. Thats how I know that He is with me. And that is how I know that in a world filled with uncertainly, the one thing I can count on is that I am secure in my God. For He brought me through my past, He walks with my in my present, and He holds not only my future, but my eternity.

Square Diamonds

I honestly do not think I can put into words the feeling I am having right now. I'm writing this blog through streams of tears and shaking hands, so bear with me.

Tonight as I was packing up some of my stuff, getting it ready for my move home, I had the task of opening and re-organzing some of Michaels things. I have not opened his box of stuff in a long time, so I had forgotten what was in there. As I came to the bottom of the box, there was a bag of clothes and wrapped around it was a prayer blanket. As I was removing the prayer blanket, and reaching for the bag of clothes, I noticed something fall out of the bag. It was Michaels wallet. I had no idea it was in there.


Back up a few years...we are now in 2005. One night Michael was sitting in the hospital and we were talking about random things. I can't remember if we were dating at this point or just friends, either way, that is irrelevant. I said something about liking square diamonds. He told me he was going to remember that, and that one day it would come in handy. I laughed and said, "yeah right". I vividly remember that conversation for some reason.


As I opened Michaels wallet the song "Praise You in the Storm" came on my computer and it was just too much for me to handle. When I saw his picture and his signature on his drivers license, I just began to sob. I cried and cried and cried. He had his Medicaid card, his SS card, his UPS insurance card, and his drivers linense in there. And one dollar. As I sat there crying, looking through his wallet, I found a piece of paper folded up into a tiny little square. The paper had water damage and was so old I could barely open it. When I was finally able to carefully unfold it , it said, in my husbands handwriting....

"square diamonds"

For my husband

My dear Michael,
It has been almost one year since you left. It amazes me how fast this year went by, and yet, I would never want to relive one minute of it. You know that you were my all. You were my everything. The day I married you we became one and when you died, part of me died too.

You left such a beautiful legacy Michael. Your life has touched so many people in ways that you will never know. You inspire, you give hope, you still give love. More than anything, you taught me how to live my life, how to take this journey as it comes, and how to never ever give up. Because of you Michael, I have learned how to carry on, even if it has to be without you.

I know you are looking down at all of us right now. You can see how bitter sweet this month will be. We are so excited to have your CD. Finished and ready to go. But as we approach the one year mark of your death, with that comes a wave of sadness and emptiness. I have never felt your presence more than I did today, and yet have never been as lonely as I was today. Hearing your music and reading your words makes me miss you more than ever. I just want to talk to you. Just one more time.

I know you feel no more pain. You have no more sickness in your body. You can run and jump and play basketball. All the things you loved to do, but were taken from you here on earth. It makes me happy to know that you feel no sadness, you feel no anger. You only have joy and love. To me, that is a beautiful and comforting thought. Thats what helps me get through days like today.

I love you Michael. I am so honored and priveleged to have been chosen to be your wife. I would not trade a single moment I shared with you for anything. All of the fun we had. The days of high school inocense, the trails we went through as we entered adulthood, the hopes and dreams we shared on our wedding night, and the nights we just layed on the couch in the candlelight, never needing to say a word, because the love between us was stronger than any word could express. Through it all our love never faded. Our love never died. And it never will. You will forever be my soulmate. I know that you will watch over me always, and guide my steps though my days on earth without you.

I love you. And I miss you.
Your wife

Music

I wrote this blog two weeks after Michael passed away. It is the same writing that was put into the insert of his CD. Michaels CD release party is scheduled for June 8 at the Makoy Center in Hilliard, OH. It is going to be a CELEBRATION!!! So please, save the date of June 8th!!



Music has the abaility to carry us through the greatest and most difficult roads we come to in life. The journey to our final desination is paved with varrying outcomes. What matters most is what we choose to do with the road set before us. Michael Minton chose to take the high road. He chose life. He chose hard work. He chose to keep going, even if that meant taking a longer and more painful detour. He chose to win. And with that, Michael gave us all the gift of life. He taught us that death is not a final destination, but rather, the begining of an eternal journey. In this life and beyond, Michael Minton has given us the ultimate gift. His life. His love. His music.

Dancing in the Sand began long before it was manifested into album production.

While lying in a hospital bed, just after being diagnosed with Osteosarcoma, a rare form of bone cancer, Michael was asked to go to a place that brought him peace and comfort. He breathed deeply, closed his eyes, and was intimately drawn to a time and place a few years back. Michael saw himself standing on the porch of a beach house in North Myrtle Beach, a long time family vacation destination. He looked out over the water and saw the young woman who would eventually become his wife. As she danced freely on the beach, it was at that moment that the song Dancing in the Sand was inspired.

Taken from a writing found after Michaels death, he had this to say about his experience.

"Every morning Anya would get up and go out to the beach. I remember one morning I woke up early and came to the deck of the beach house. She never knew I was there, but I watched her all alone on the beach, so free and so alive. At that moment not having a care or fear in the world, she danced as if no one were watching. I have never to this day seen anything so beautiful or so inspiring."

Over the next few years, Michael began writing and creating music whenever he felt inspired. The passion he had for life flowed through his fingertips and brought his music to life. He played music whenever possible. It was his way of giving back. Through all of the struggles and pain, Michael never gave up his desire to create music. His goal was to leave the world a better place than it was when he came into it. His desire was to give love, share love and be love.

Dancing in the Sand is an outward reflection of Micheals inner talent, passion, life and love. It was his dream. He would be so proud to know that his dream became a reality. Michael will always live on through his music, and now it's our turn to take his example of strength and determination and live a life of love.

"Dance as if no one were watching."

Control vs. Faith

So it's 1:23 am and of course, my mind will not shut off. Something that has been weighing on me for over a week now, has come to the forefront of my thoughts. It's like God set different actions in place, put the thoughts in my head, and tonight they just all came together.

I started thinking about my faith and how over the past few months I have grown as person, yet fallen back on my faith. And I am not talking about my faith in God or my belief in Him, but rather my faith in God's ability to cover me, provide for me, protect me. God has shown me so many things about why I am here, who I am suppose to be and what he wants me to do with my life. He has also opened a door for me to get there, but it was up to be to make the decision. Go with what was "safe" and what I could control, or let God take care of me and have faith that He was able?

I chose to be in control.

And thats where I found myself tonight... questioning my decision. Let me explain.

I got a VERY good job offer from Saks Fifth Avenue. I interviewed when I was back in Ohio last week, but didn't get the best feeling about the job. I came home from the interview and told my mom that I was unsure of the job, and that even if they offered it to me, I was not sure I would take it. Something just didn't sit right with me about it.

The next day I went to the salon I was working at when I left Columbus. Avola Lanza is the name of the salon, and the women I worked with were a God send in all I went through during Michaels last few months. When I went into the salon I immediately felt at peace and at home. It was an amazing feeling, almost like I had come full circle and was back where I belonged. The salon had room for me to return to work there, full or part time.

So here is where the safety factor comes in. Contol vs. faith. Saks is a "safe" job. A steady income, medical benefits, retirement plan, ect. Long term goals are endless. If I wanted a career in the corporate retail world, I could go very far with this company.

Thats when I really had to open my eyes and examine what I wanted out of life, and where I saw my life going. My goal in this life is not to achieve "status". I want to make a difference. I want to live a life of love. I want to be there for people, I want to share life with people...both the good and the bad. After Michael died, it was too personal for me to go back to doing hair. I had invested so much of myself on a personal level with my clients, that I was just emotionally exhausted. I felt I had nothing left to give, not until I got myself healed.

I also still have hopes that one day I will marry again, and have a family. I don't want to be in corprate America when I have my family. I want to be able to raise my children and take care of my family. When you become a widow, you instantly begin to develop "plan b", but in the back of your mind, you still have hopes and dreams for eventually having the life you always wanted. And for me, that life is a family.

There is one more thing that factors into this equasion. In all I have been through, and all that God has taught me, I feel like I need to take that and share it. I won't go into too much detail now, but I want to be sure I have time to write. Write a lot. I know now that thats part of this plan.

So I have before me a very steady, safe, lucritive job offer or a job that my heart is in 100%, but would require me to put all of my faith in God for financial peace. My eyes were open tonight that this was a little test from God. How much do you trust me? Have I ever let you down? Have I ever forsaken you? After talking to a very dear friend tonight, someone who is just beging his journey of widow(er), I realized that life is about doing what is in your heart. Its about giving it all to God and saying, "you do this, because I can't". And I have faith that if I give this all to Him, He will. He is able.

So I'm going to listen to my heart. I'm going to work at the salon full time, start writing my book, and have faith that all of this, like my life, is in God's hands.

Dreams

So over the last week I keep being woke up by these terrible dreams. They are dreams of people dying. Random people, no one I know. But they are awful deaths. Usually violent, freak accidents. Two dreams were someone getting hit by a car, and the third I can't remember. Anyone interpret dreams?? Why am I having these? It's scary. How do I make them stop??

Spring Time

So I always used to look forward to spring time. New beginings, a fresh clean smell in the air, green grass. Spring is beautiful. It's like the light at the end of the tunel we call winter. Spring has always been a symbol of new life for me.

This year is very, very different.

It's so beautiful here in Phoenix. I mean, it's picture perfect. (Sorry Ohio, I know you are not there yet) There are flowers on the trees, bright blue skies with no clouds, and it's about 75 degrees everyday. It makes me want to call off work and spend every moment outside. I want to walk barefoot in the grass, take a blanket and a book to the park, hike and rollerblade. It inspires me and makes me feel ready for anything. There is no room at all for complaining or feeling down when you are surrounded by such beauty.

But the wierd thing is, the flowers, the smell of the air, the blue skies and sunshine; they all remind of where I was at this point last year. It's coming up on a year since Michael's death, and with that comes a rush of memories and emotion that I have not felt in a very long time.

Last year was so strange. After Michael died I felt a range of emotion. There were obviously nights of overwhelming lonliness and emptiness. Days I didn't want to get out of bed because I couldn't stand the thought of a day without him. And then there were times I felt ready to face the world head on, no matter what that meant or where it took me. Days I wanted to embrace my situation, as horrible as it was, and prove to myself and to everyone else that I could survive it.

Well, I did survive it, but not without many, many stumbling blocks.

I think thats the strangest part of the grieving process. It's such a roller-coaster. The smallest thing can trigger a painful memory, and two minutes later you can hear a song on the radio and feel ready to face the world again. It's like the most extreme feeling of being completely out of control. What I wanted was a step-by-step manual of how I would grieve. I wanted someone to tell me that week one I would feel this, week two I would feel this, week thirty I would feel this. Ha. That didn't happen.

So today as I was driving to work, I began thinking how wierd it was that the smell in the air could cause my mind to think as many things as it did. I felt sad. And happy. And hopeful. And then sad again. I never realized you could feel so many different emotions at one time. In a matter of seconds I went from missing my husband, to being homesick, to feeling hopeful about my future, to enjoying the weather, to thinking about how I was going to afford my move back home.

The next few months are going to be another big hurdle that I will have to get over. I have so many things to look forward to, but as I have learned in the last few days, so many painful things that will come back to me. I have to prepare myself for rough days. I have to embrace the good days. And be thankful that I have the opportunity to live through both.

I'm back....

Ok....

So after taking a hiatus from "blogging" I have decided to once again return to the blog.

Thats a funny word....blog. Who came up with that??

Anyways, after the comments I recieved about the piece on "Love" (posted on myspace), I have been thinking that maybe the things I have to say can positively affect someone. I won't always be serious. Some will be funny, some will make you cry. I'm sure some will be pointless. Either way, I have discovered that writing is one of my strengths and maybe God has a plan to use that??? Who knows. Regardless .......I'm back.

So if you are interested, bookmark this page. I will update often. Also, if anyone has any questions they want answered, a "blog provoking thought", anything....send it my way. If you ask, I will write. But word for the wise.....I'm going to be honest. I will not sugar coat anything. I have to be real, I have to be me. Even if it's painful or hard to read. Thats the best therapy for me, so if you don't want to know....don't read.

Anya