Hi Baby,
Wow....I'm missing you like I never have before. Things are so complicated right now and my life just doesn't make sense. It's so hard, Michael. I'm trying so hard to do the right things, make the right decisions, but things are just really messed up. I miss having you. I miss how life made sense when you were here. I miss the way you understood me without me even saying a word. I think of you so much, and often wish I could just be with you. I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water these days. I look at our pictures every night before I go to bed and I can't remember the last time in weeks that I haven't cried myself to sleep. I was doing so well there for a while and now it's like I have taken 12 steps back. Only this time the pain is worse. I feel sad, angry, hurt...it's never hurt this much, Michael. I just think about how much I want to see you face, feel your touch, look into your eyes. Having you just hold my hand would make everything better. I miss you so much my love. You were always there standing behind me, standing beside me. You encouraged me when I was down, when I felt lost, and Michael, I need that so bad right now. I need you. Our anniversary is coming up. Not sure what I'm going to do that day yet, but right now I'm not even handling the thought of that day very well. I love you so much, Michael, and please, if you can come visit me in a dream or something...please...I just want to see your face. I love you...
This song makes me think of us.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBFlNBsvyxI
Anya
Monday, September 10, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Week two of GriefShare:
What are some healthy things you can do to help relieve your pain?
This one is tough. Going to class is the first thing I can do. It helps to be with other poeple and talk. Although, I haven't talked a lot yet. It's hard for me to open up. I sit. I listen. I cry. I process things internally. Eventually I will open up, but right now it's hard.
On the other hand I can write. Thats one thing I do and I do well. It's a very healthy habit that I stopped doing for a while and now I feel like I'm ready to begin again.
I also want to start some more regular fitness activity. This will get me active and will help with the energy level, which in turn helps the mood.
Thats all I got.
What are some healthy things you can do to help relieve your pain?
This one is tough. Going to class is the first thing I can do. It helps to be with other poeple and talk. Although, I haven't talked a lot yet. It's hard for me to open up. I sit. I listen. I cry. I process things internally. Eventually I will open up, but right now it's hard.
On the other hand I can write. Thats one thing I do and I do well. It's a very healthy habit that I stopped doing for a while and now I feel like I'm ready to begin again.
I also want to start some more regular fitness activity. This will get me active and will help with the energy level, which in turn helps the mood.
Thats all I got.
Week One of GriefShare:
What did you learn about God's interest in comforting you and helping you?
I learned a lot about God's plan for helping me through this. The thing that stuck out the most to me though, is that in order for God to help me trough this, there are some choices that I have to make. I have to chose to want to get better. I have to chose to want to face the pain. I have to make the choice to move on with my life, when I often don't feel like I want to. I have to be willing to see and feel the pain this has caused. And I didn't realize until most recently how deep that pain is. My heart hurts more than I ever realized. And I also realized how hard it is to chose to face that pain. Every week for an hour and a half I go to a group that talks about losing loved ones. They share emotions, feelings, thoughts, angers, fears...and let me say that it's not easy to do this. In fact, it's hard as hell. I can be in the middle of a great day, be in a great mood, and then I willingly have to choose to face one of the most painful situations I have ever been in. But thats the thing I learned. If I am willing to do my part, and be disciplined to face my pain....God has a beautiful plan for me, an interest in comforting and healing me of this pain. It's not going to be easy. In fact, it's going to suck. But at least I can say I faced it, and I made it.
What did you learn about God's interest in comforting you and helping you?
I learned a lot about God's plan for helping me through this. The thing that stuck out the most to me though, is that in order for God to help me trough this, there are some choices that I have to make. I have to chose to want to get better. I have to chose to want to face the pain. I have to make the choice to move on with my life, when I often don't feel like I want to. I have to be willing to see and feel the pain this has caused. And I didn't realize until most recently how deep that pain is. My heart hurts more than I ever realized. And I also realized how hard it is to chose to face that pain. Every week for an hour and a half I go to a group that talks about losing loved ones. They share emotions, feelings, thoughts, angers, fears...and let me say that it's not easy to do this. In fact, it's hard as hell. I can be in the middle of a great day, be in a great mood, and then I willingly have to choose to face one of the most painful situations I have ever been in. But thats the thing I learned. If I am willing to do my part, and be disciplined to face my pain....God has a beautiful plan for me, an interest in comforting and healing me of this pain. It's not going to be easy. In fact, it's going to suck. But at least I can say I faced it, and I made it.
Week Three of GriefShare:
What thoughts most often disturb your peace? What can you do about this?
I have had a very hard time lately with the thoughts of the last few weeks of Michaels life. The thing he had to go through, and the pain he was in....sometimes the thought is just too much for me to handle. I can be in the middle of the day, going about my business and something will trigger one of the painful memories. I call the "painful memories" the ones that I think of when I think of what my husband went through at the end. I wonder if he knew he was dying. I wonder if he was embarrased because he lost control of bodily function? I hate the thought of the time he spent in the hospital. He was in so much pain. And when they were finally able to control the pain (somewhat), it made him delirious and confused. It made him hulucinate (sp?) and think that people were after him. It was horrible. It was the most painful thing I have ever been through. That is the thought that most often disturbs my peace. I wonder if I could have done something to help him more. In hinesight you always wonder if you could have/ should have. Sometimes the reality and finality are overwhelming. I miss him so much and yet there was nothing any of us could have done to keep him here. Sometimes that thought makes me very angry. It makes me angry that God took him away from me. It makes me angry that he went through hell before he died. All of those are tough thoughts. Really tough. And really painful. There are good days and bad days...
What can I do about this? I honestly don't know. I don't know how to get rid of the painful memories. I wish I could close my eyes at night and not see him laying in that bed, hooked up to all those machines. I wish I couldn't hear the fear in his voice the last few days of his life. I try to remember the good times. I try to remember his goofy laugh or his corny jokes. I try to remember when he would lay on the couch with Chauncey and watch football in his boxers. Right now thats all I can do....try to attack the painful memories with good ones. And wait.
What thoughts most often disturb your peace? What can you do about this?
I have had a very hard time lately with the thoughts of the last few weeks of Michaels life. The thing he had to go through, and the pain he was in....sometimes the thought is just too much for me to handle. I can be in the middle of the day, going about my business and something will trigger one of the painful memories. I call the "painful memories" the ones that I think of when I think of what my husband went through at the end. I wonder if he knew he was dying. I wonder if he was embarrased because he lost control of bodily function? I hate the thought of the time he spent in the hospital. He was in so much pain. And when they were finally able to control the pain (somewhat), it made him delirious and confused. It made him hulucinate (sp?) and think that people were after him. It was horrible. It was the most painful thing I have ever been through. That is the thought that most often disturbs my peace. I wonder if I could have done something to help him more. In hinesight you always wonder if you could have/ should have. Sometimes the reality and finality are overwhelming. I miss him so much and yet there was nothing any of us could have done to keep him here. Sometimes that thought makes me very angry. It makes me angry that God took him away from me. It makes me angry that he went through hell before he died. All of those are tough thoughts. Really tough. And really painful. There are good days and bad days...
What can I do about this? I honestly don't know. I don't know how to get rid of the painful memories. I wish I could close my eyes at night and not see him laying in that bed, hooked up to all those machines. I wish I couldn't hear the fear in his voice the last few days of his life. I try to remember the good times. I try to remember his goofy laugh or his corny jokes. I try to remember when he would lay on the couch with Chauncey and watch football in his boxers. Right now thats all I can do....try to attack the painful memories with good ones. And wait.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Music
Music has the abaility to carry us through the greatest and most difficult roads we come to in life. The journey to our final desination is paved with varrying outcomes. What matters most is what we choose to do with the road set before us. Michael Minton chose to take the high road. He chose life. He chose hard work. He chose to keep going, even if that meant taking a longer and more painful detour. He chose to win. And with that, Michael gave us all the gift of life. He taught us that death is not a final destination, but rather, the begining of an eternal journey. In this life and beyond, Michael Minton has given us the ultimate gift. His life. His love. His music.
Dancing in the Sand began long before it was manifested into album production.
While lying in a hospital bed, just after being diagnosed with Osteosarcoma, a rare form of bone cancer, Michael was asked to go to a place that brought him peace and comfort. He breathed deeply, closed his eyes, and was intimately drawn to a time and place a few years back. Michael saw himself standing on the porch of a beach house in North Myrtle Beach, a long time family vacation destination. He looked out over the water and saw the young woman who would eventually become his wife. As she danced freely on the beach, it was at that moment that the song Dancing in the Sand was inspired.
Taken from a writing found after Michaels death, he had this to say about his experience.
"Every morning Anya would get up and go out to the beach. I remember one morning I woke up early and came to the deck of the beach house. She never knew I was there, but I watched her all alone on the beach, so free and so alive. At that moment not having a care or fear in the world, she danced as if no one were watching. I have never to this day seen anything so beautiful or so inspiring."
Over the next few years, Michael began writing and creating music whenever he felt inspired. The passion he had for life flowed through his fingertips and brought his music to life. He played music whenever possible. It was his way of giving back.
Through all of the struggles and pain, Michael never gave up his desire to create music. His goal was to leave the world a better place than it was when he came into it. His desire was to give love, share love and be love.
Dancing in the Sand is an outward reflection of Micheals inner talent, passion, life and love. It was his dream. He would be so proud to know that his dream became a reality. Michael will always live on through his music, and now it's our turn to take his example of strength and determination and live a life of love.
"Dance as if no one were watching."
I wrote this blog two weeks after Michael passed away. It is the same writing that was put into the insert of his CD. Michaels CD release party is scheduled for June 8 at the Makoy Center in Hilliard, OH. It is going to be a CELEBRATION!!! So please, save the date of June 8th!!
Dancing in the Sand began long before it was manifested into album production.
While lying in a hospital bed, just after being diagnosed with Osteosarcoma, a rare form of bone cancer, Michael was asked to go to a place that brought him peace and comfort. He breathed deeply, closed his eyes, and was intimately drawn to a time and place a few years back. Michael saw himself standing on the porch of a beach house in North Myrtle Beach, a long time family vacation destination. He looked out over the water and saw the young woman who would eventually become his wife. As she danced freely on the beach, it was at that moment that the song Dancing in the Sand was inspired.
Taken from a writing found after Michaels death, he had this to say about his experience.
"Every morning Anya would get up and go out to the beach. I remember one morning I woke up early and came to the deck of the beach house. She never knew I was there, but I watched her all alone on the beach, so free and so alive. At that moment not having a care or fear in the world, she danced as if no one were watching. I have never to this day seen anything so beautiful or so inspiring."
Over the next few years, Michael began writing and creating music whenever he felt inspired. The passion he had for life flowed through his fingertips and brought his music to life. He played music whenever possible. It was his way of giving back.
Through all of the struggles and pain, Michael never gave up his desire to create music. His goal was to leave the world a better place than it was when he came into it. His desire was to give love, share love and be love.
Dancing in the Sand is an outward reflection of Micheals inner talent, passion, life and love. It was his dream. He would be so proud to know that his dream became a reality. Michael will always live on through his music, and now it's our turn to take his example of strength and determination and live a life of love.
"Dance as if no one were watching."
I wrote this blog two weeks after Michael passed away. It is the same writing that was put into the insert of his CD. Michaels CD release party is scheduled for June 8 at the Makoy Center in Hilliard, OH. It is going to be a CELEBRATION!!! So please, save the date of June 8th!!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
let it rain!
i stood outside on my back patio tonight and let it all out. no more being strong, no holding back...just screaming....yelling...crying....frustration, anger, sadness, loneliness. i fell to the ground and let it all out. as the clouds rolled quickly overhead, the wind began to grow stronger. the lightening in the distance became closer, the thunder grew louder. all of the sudden the sky opened up and the rain fell like the tears from my face. the harder i cried, the harder it rained. and as the rain turned to hail, i knew it was time to seek shelter.
i came into the house and sat in the dark and watched as the storm passed over. with every crack of lightening and crash of thunder i felt the release of emotion from my body. the storm lasted for a small time, allowing me to pray through my own personal storm.
I know there will be times of angry thunder, tears of sadness like rain, flashes of memories like lightening...but with every storm...there will be calm after the rain. a peace that in time everything will be as it should be. there will be sunshine, blue skies, and the comfort that like every storm...this too shall pass.
i came into the house and sat in the dark and watched as the storm passed over. with every crack of lightening and crash of thunder i felt the release of emotion from my body. the storm lasted for a small time, allowing me to pray through my own personal storm.
I know there will be times of angry thunder, tears of sadness like rain, flashes of memories like lightening...but with every storm...there will be calm after the rain. a peace that in time everything will be as it should be. there will be sunshine, blue skies, and the comfort that like every storm...this too shall pass.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
goodbye love.....
To all of my friends and family,
For those of you who have not heard, around 8:30 tuesday night, my husband, Michael was taken to be with God. He was an amazing talented man who touched hundereds of lives. He fought the good fight for almost three years, and in my eyes....he is a survivor. He lived everyday to the fullest and never let his cancer bring him down. I am so proud and honored to be his wife, and to have been by his side as he peacefully slipped into the arms of Jesus. Please continue to pray for peace as we struggle with our loss...he was a husband, and son, a brother, a friend....and now an angel. He will be greatly missed and never forgotten.
Thank you all so much for your love, prayers and support over the last 3 years. I will write tomorrow to confirm calling hours and the location/ time for his Celebration of Life service.
Love,
Anya
For those of you who have not heard, around 8:30 tuesday night, my husband, Michael was taken to be with God. He was an amazing talented man who touched hundereds of lives. He fought the good fight for almost three years, and in my eyes....he is a survivor. He lived everyday to the fullest and never let his cancer bring him down. I am so proud and honored to be his wife, and to have been by his side as he peacefully slipped into the arms of Jesus. Please continue to pray for peace as we struggle with our loss...he was a husband, and son, a brother, a friend....and now an angel. He will be greatly missed and never forgotten.
Thank you all so much for your love, prayers and support over the last 3 years. I will write tomorrow to confirm calling hours and the location/ time for his Celebration of Life service.
Love,
Anya
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
the time has come
This will be my last post for a while. Michael is being admitted into the James tomorrow and I will not be on the internet often. Michaels cancer has become too painful for us to manage at home. He will be given an epidural tomorrow, which will numb him from the waist down. It was terribly heartbreaking packing our things to go to the hospital. I cried the whole time. I packed as many pictures, momentums and things that are important to us as possible. I felt so sick to my stomach knowing that we would be leaving our home tomorrow, and I will be coming back alone. There is no way to describe this feeling. Please , please , please pray for comfort for Michael. He is so scared and he doesn't want to die in a hospital. Please pray that God will give him peace of mind over the next few weeks, and help him to know that the hospital is just a place. He will be surrounded by friends and family. All I want is for my husband not to suffer.
Michael had a wonderful birthday today and I thank all of you who took time to send him a card. Thank you all for your support and prayer. I love you.
Anya
Monday, March 12, 2007
lonely
I'm lonely. Thats all there is to it. I miss my husband and he's not even gone. I miss walking with him and holding his hand. I miss going to the movies, or out to dinner. I miss standing in the kitchen kissing him. I miss waking up beside him. I miss him rubbing my shoulders and telling me he thinks I'm beautiful. I just miss him.
The emotions of going through something like this are crazy. I feel so up and down. Right now I'm sick, stupid head and chest cold....so when your sick, your emotions go kinda wacko anyways. But all the things that go along with this whole situation....sadness, fear, anger, lonliness....all of them are overwhelming. I have experienced more emotion in the last 6 months than I ever have before...and trust me, I have had my heart broken many times. Nothing like this. Through everything though, I wouldn't change the experience and time I have spent with Michael for the world. He has taught me so much and made me a better person. Taking care of him is at times exhausting, physically and emotionally, but it's worth it to me. To show this man how much I love him and how much he means to me.....it's all worth it. He has taught me the true meaning of commitment. Giving my life to someone....through good times and bad....in sickness and in health.....
Those vows mean more to me now than they ever have. But....I'm still lonely. Crazy, huh?
The emotions of going through something like this are crazy. I feel so up and down. Right now I'm sick, stupid head and chest cold....so when your sick, your emotions go kinda wacko anyways. But all the things that go along with this whole situation....sadness, fear, anger, lonliness....all of them are overwhelming. I have experienced more emotion in the last 6 months than I ever have before...and trust me, I have had my heart broken many times. Nothing like this. Through everything though, I wouldn't change the experience and time I have spent with Michael for the world. He has taught me so much and made me a better person. Taking care of him is at times exhausting, physically and emotionally, but it's worth it to me. To show this man how much I love him and how much he means to me.....it's all worth it. He has taught me the true meaning of commitment. Giving my life to someone....through good times and bad....in sickness and in health.....
Those vows mean more to me now than they ever have. But....I'm still lonely. Crazy, huh?
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
I'm so sad
Today was one of the worst days ever. Michaels best friend from all the way back to grade school died last night. He had an aneurism (sp?) in his sleep. He was 25. I'm sorry.... but what the fuck!? Are you kidding me??? How much more can we take? The only explanation I can come up with is that Georgie went before.... to watch out for Michael. George loved him and when Michael got any kind of bad news through his whole illness, George was on a plane from Baltimore and sleeping on our couch that night. Thats just how he was. I can't believe this. I'm just in shock. It makes me so sad....and so scared. I hate the saying that deaths happen in 3's.....have you ever heard that? My grandpa died, and now George.......
Right now, I'm just terrified.
Right now, I'm just terrified.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
I'm still here, just too exhausted to write. I don't sleep much anymore...I take care of my husband, I attemp to eat, I cry and then if there is time left over...I sleep. There is a fundraiser/ benefit for Michael this Saturday night at Brazenhead if anyone wants to come. It will be nice to get a night out. I would love to meet some of you...my parents friends. Brazenhead in grandview frm 6-10 ( or whenever we stop drinking :o)) Anyways, thank you for your prayers and I'm sorry I don't have the energy to write more. Here is something fun though....I love this man.
Thank you Patti Simmons. ( www.pattisimmonsphotography.com)
Monday, February 26, 2007
thankful
what a peaceful end to our evening. your brother was amazing with the reflexology and reiki he did with you tonight. it was so powerful and there was such a calm and peaceful energy in the room. to see you so sound...sleeping so peacefully...I couldn't have asked for anything more. i love you with all my heart, Michael.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
missing
There are so many thoughts going through my head tonight. The last three days have been a whirl. You gave us quite a scare thursday night, baby...and if that was a preview of whats to come...I'm scared. I have heard through many people that my honesty and willingness to share what we are going through has encouraged or in some way inspired people. Well, i'm about to get real honest. I'm scared. Really scared. And I'm sad. And I'm lonely.
The legal paperwoork we had to do today was heart wrenching. Who knew at 24 and 26, and 6 months into our marriage, we would be making plans, signing papers, and preparing for death. My heart broke as you told me your thoughts and feelings. You say you want to be burried, but only if I will be burried next to you. With tears in your eyes, I could hear your heart speaking directly to mine as you said to me...."I just don't want to be alone". My God. If you only knew, Michael, that with you you are taking my heart. You will never be alone my love...never. But in the same respect, my heart is torn. What if I move on? What if I get remarried and have a family. Will my future husband understand if I want to be burried next to the love of my life? Why are we having to make a decision like this? It's not fair. I don't know what to do? This is something I have to put into God's hands, because I don't know what else to do with it.
This sucks. I thought writing about it would help clear my mind. It didn't.
I love you so much, Michael. I love your family. Watching them over the last few days has been both a blessing and a curse. I can't help but be jealous watching your brothers and sister-in-laws planning thier lives, having babies...living. I sit and listen, watch and wonder what will happen to me when you go. I have never loved a family, other than my own, more than yours. I don't want to not be a part of them. They all tell me that I will always be a part of the family. But is that true? It makes me wonder. And it makes me sad...because if it's not true then I will not only lose you, but I will lose everything that is a part of you. I'm not ready for that.
Which brings me to my latest struggle. I miss you. I miss being intimate with you. I miss holding you, touching you, kissing you. I know we still have love, we will always have that. But I miss you. I miss the way you were so affectionate towards me. I miss the little ways you used to look at me. I need you so bad, Michael...just one more day with the old Michael. I would do anything for that. And the one thing we had that kept us physically close...has been too quickly taken away. I knew it was only a matter of time before transfering to our bed would just be too much for your body. Now you are in a medical bed, and I sleep alone. Alone. You're not even gone and yet I miss you so much.
How do I do this?
The legal paperwoork we had to do today was heart wrenching. Who knew at 24 and 26, and 6 months into our marriage, we would be making plans, signing papers, and preparing for death. My heart broke as you told me your thoughts and feelings. You say you want to be burried, but only if I will be burried next to you. With tears in your eyes, I could hear your heart speaking directly to mine as you said to me...."I just don't want to be alone". My God. If you only knew, Michael, that with you you are taking my heart. You will never be alone my love...never. But in the same respect, my heart is torn. What if I move on? What if I get remarried and have a family. Will my future husband understand if I want to be burried next to the love of my life? Why are we having to make a decision like this? It's not fair. I don't know what to do? This is something I have to put into God's hands, because I don't know what else to do with it.
This sucks. I thought writing about it would help clear my mind. It didn't.
I love you so much, Michael. I love your family. Watching them over the last few days has been both a blessing and a curse. I can't help but be jealous watching your brothers and sister-in-laws planning thier lives, having babies...living. I sit and listen, watch and wonder what will happen to me when you go. I have never loved a family, other than my own, more than yours. I don't want to not be a part of them. They all tell me that I will always be a part of the family. But is that true? It makes me wonder. And it makes me sad...because if it's not true then I will not only lose you, but I will lose everything that is a part of you. I'm not ready for that.
Which brings me to my latest struggle. I miss you. I miss being intimate with you. I miss holding you, touching you, kissing you. I know we still have love, we will always have that. But I miss you. I miss the way you were so affectionate towards me. I miss the little ways you used to look at me. I need you so bad, Michael...just one more day with the old Michael. I would do anything for that. And the one thing we had that kept us physically close...has been too quickly taken away. I knew it was only a matter of time before transfering to our bed would just be too much for your body. Now you are in a medical bed, and I sleep alone. Alone. You're not even gone and yet I miss you so much.
How do I do this?
Thursday, February 22, 2007
nothing
i have nothing creative or inspirational to say tonight. I'm exhausted. physically and mentally exhausted. i love you, baby.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
praise you in this storm
Baby,
it's pushing 3am and tonight is especially bad. i can't sleep. i can't stop crying. i was looking through our pictures and this picture made me so happy. it is the most beautiful display of your intense passion. your whole life you have been passionate. about everything you do. i'm so proud of you, Michael.
Right now a song just came on itunes that has spoken to me for several months now. i don't know why this is happening to us...but I trust that God knows what he is doing....and this song explains exactly how I feel....
I was sure by now, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls I barely hear you whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to Youand raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away
And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
watching you
My darling husband,
It's so hard for me to watch you sometimes. Night time is a particular evil. After the comotion of the day dies down, I'm done cleaning, cooking and making sure you have had your meds....the friends and family leave.... I am alone here. With you and your disease. Sometimes I just find myself studying you. Watching how you breathe, the way you move, the expression of pain on your face. I watch to notice any changes, and I see them. I see your breath becoming more shallow. I see you take deep breaths...and exhale quickly. This is new. It scares me. You have been sweating more. Sweating when you are doing nothing. I wonder if this is good or bad? Is your body getting rid of toxins, or are you losing oxygen?
I miss you already. With every breath you breath, I wonder how many more you have. I wonder what it will be like to sit beside someone and hold them as they die. What will you look like? What will your body do? Will you know I'm there? Will you be in pain or will you know and be at peace? Sometimes the way you touch me...the gentle way you stroke my hair...the kiss you give me on my forehead...I wonder what you are thinking? I know you will miss me. I know you will always be with me. But will you be angry with me, or jealous if I move on?
I hate watching this. It scares me. It scares me because no matter how much I see, how much I prepare.....I have no idea what is about to hit me.
It's so hard for me to watch you sometimes. Night time is a particular evil. After the comotion of the day dies down, I'm done cleaning, cooking and making sure you have had your meds....the friends and family leave.... I am alone here. With you and your disease. Sometimes I just find myself studying you. Watching how you breathe, the way you move, the expression of pain on your face. I watch to notice any changes, and I see them. I see your breath becoming more shallow. I see you take deep breaths...and exhale quickly. This is new. It scares me. You have been sweating more. Sweating when you are doing nothing. I wonder if this is good or bad? Is your body getting rid of toxins, or are you losing oxygen?
I miss you already. With every breath you breath, I wonder how many more you have. I wonder what it will be like to sit beside someone and hold them as they die. What will you look like? What will your body do? Will you know I'm there? Will you be in pain or will you know and be at peace? Sometimes the way you touch me...the gentle way you stroke my hair...the kiss you give me on my forehead...I wonder what you are thinking? I know you will miss me. I know you will always be with me. But will you be angry with me, or jealous if I move on?
I hate watching this. It scares me. It scares me because no matter how much I see, how much I prepare.....I have no idea what is about to hit me.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Dear Michael
My dearest Michael,
I sit here tonight with my heart in pieces. I watch you sleep and you look so peaceful. My heart is breaking, but it gives me comfort to see you resting and your body not in pain. I want you to know that you are my life. You have been everything in this life that I have ever wanted and needeed. God brought us together and for some reason is taking us apart far too soon. You have forever changed my life for the better. You will never know the depth of my love for you.
The past few months I have been so angry. I was filled with hate. I was so angry at everyone and everything. I had no faith. No hope. You were in so much pain and I was angry at you. I was angy that you were sick, i was angry that you had pain, I was angry that we couldn't have a normal life. All i wnated to do was plan and live our life together. I wanted to buy our first house together, have children together, grow old together. I wanted to do everything with you. I sometimes felt like the world was spinning so fast around me and I was stading there in the middle of everything just getting dizzy.
After this past week at the hosptial, however, I feel like things are changing. My heart still breaks everyday. Everytime I see you in pain I ache inside. But I have also felt an overwhelming sence of comfort and peace. For the longest time I have searched and searched for peace. Who knew I would have found it amid such horrible circumstances. More and more everyday I feel the gentle touch from the only thing I can identify is the HOly Spirit. The only thing that makes sence to me is that God is holding me and carrying me through this. All I want is for you to be happy. I would give up any and everything to ease your suffering. And if that means I have to give you up, then I am at a place where I feel like I can do that. I will be ok.
To be continued....
I sit here tonight with my heart in pieces. I watch you sleep and you look so peaceful. My heart is breaking, but it gives me comfort to see you resting and your body not in pain. I want you to know that you are my life. You have been everything in this life that I have ever wanted and needeed. God brought us together and for some reason is taking us apart far too soon. You have forever changed my life for the better. You will never know the depth of my love for you.
The past few months I have been so angry. I was filled with hate. I was so angry at everyone and everything. I had no faith. No hope. You were in so much pain and I was angry at you. I was angy that you were sick, i was angry that you had pain, I was angry that we couldn't have a normal life. All i wnated to do was plan and live our life together. I wanted to buy our first house together, have children together, grow old together. I wanted to do everything with you. I sometimes felt like the world was spinning so fast around me and I was stading there in the middle of everything just getting dizzy.
After this past week at the hosptial, however, I feel like things are changing. My heart still breaks everyday. Everytime I see you in pain I ache inside. But I have also felt an overwhelming sence of comfort and peace. For the longest time I have searched and searched for peace. Who knew I would have found it amid such horrible circumstances. More and more everyday I feel the gentle touch from the only thing I can identify is the HOly Spirit. The only thing that makes sence to me is that God is holding me and carrying me through this. All I want is for you to be happy. I would give up any and everything to ease your suffering. And if that means I have to give you up, then I am at a place where I feel like I can do that. I will be ok.
To be continued....
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