Week two of GriefShare:
What are some healthy things you can do to help relieve your pain?
This one is tough. Going to class is the first thing I can do. It helps to be with other poeple and talk. Although, I haven't talked a lot yet. It's hard for me to open up. I sit. I listen. I cry. I process things internally. Eventually I will open up, but right now it's hard.
On the other hand I can write. Thats one thing I do and I do well. It's a very healthy habit that I stopped doing for a while and now I feel like I'm ready to begin again.
I also want to start some more regular fitness activity. This will get me active and will help with the energy level, which in turn helps the mood.
Thats all I got.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Week One of GriefShare:
What did you learn about God's interest in comforting you and helping you?
I learned a lot about God's plan for helping me through this. The thing that stuck out the most to me though, is that in order for God to help me trough this, there are some choices that I have to make. I have to chose to want to get better. I have to chose to want to face the pain. I have to make the choice to move on with my life, when I often don't feel like I want to. I have to be willing to see and feel the pain this has caused. And I didn't realize until most recently how deep that pain is. My heart hurts more than I ever realized. And I also realized how hard it is to chose to face that pain. Every week for an hour and a half I go to a group that talks about losing loved ones. They share emotions, feelings, thoughts, angers, fears...and let me say that it's not easy to do this. In fact, it's hard as hell. I can be in the middle of a great day, be in a great mood, and then I willingly have to choose to face one of the most painful situations I have ever been in. But thats the thing I learned. If I am willing to do my part, and be disciplined to face my pain....God has a beautiful plan for me, an interest in comforting and healing me of this pain. It's not going to be easy. In fact, it's going to suck. But at least I can say I faced it, and I made it.
What did you learn about God's interest in comforting you and helping you?
I learned a lot about God's plan for helping me through this. The thing that stuck out the most to me though, is that in order for God to help me trough this, there are some choices that I have to make. I have to chose to want to get better. I have to chose to want to face the pain. I have to make the choice to move on with my life, when I often don't feel like I want to. I have to be willing to see and feel the pain this has caused. And I didn't realize until most recently how deep that pain is. My heart hurts more than I ever realized. And I also realized how hard it is to chose to face that pain. Every week for an hour and a half I go to a group that talks about losing loved ones. They share emotions, feelings, thoughts, angers, fears...and let me say that it's not easy to do this. In fact, it's hard as hell. I can be in the middle of a great day, be in a great mood, and then I willingly have to choose to face one of the most painful situations I have ever been in. But thats the thing I learned. If I am willing to do my part, and be disciplined to face my pain....God has a beautiful plan for me, an interest in comforting and healing me of this pain. It's not going to be easy. In fact, it's going to suck. But at least I can say I faced it, and I made it.
Week Three of GriefShare:
What thoughts most often disturb your peace? What can you do about this?
I have had a very hard time lately with the thoughts of the last few weeks of Michaels life. The thing he had to go through, and the pain he was in....sometimes the thought is just too much for me to handle. I can be in the middle of the day, going about my business and something will trigger one of the painful memories. I call the "painful memories" the ones that I think of when I think of what my husband went through at the end. I wonder if he knew he was dying. I wonder if he was embarrased because he lost control of bodily function? I hate the thought of the time he spent in the hospital. He was in so much pain. And when they were finally able to control the pain (somewhat), it made him delirious and confused. It made him hulucinate (sp?) and think that people were after him. It was horrible. It was the most painful thing I have ever been through. That is the thought that most often disturbs my peace. I wonder if I could have done something to help him more. In hinesight you always wonder if you could have/ should have. Sometimes the reality and finality are overwhelming. I miss him so much and yet there was nothing any of us could have done to keep him here. Sometimes that thought makes me very angry. It makes me angry that God took him away from me. It makes me angry that he went through hell before he died. All of those are tough thoughts. Really tough. And really painful. There are good days and bad days...
What can I do about this? I honestly don't know. I don't know how to get rid of the painful memories. I wish I could close my eyes at night and not see him laying in that bed, hooked up to all those machines. I wish I couldn't hear the fear in his voice the last few days of his life. I try to remember the good times. I try to remember his goofy laugh or his corny jokes. I try to remember when he would lay on the couch with Chauncey and watch football in his boxers. Right now thats all I can do....try to attack the painful memories with good ones. And wait.
What thoughts most often disturb your peace? What can you do about this?
I have had a very hard time lately with the thoughts of the last few weeks of Michaels life. The thing he had to go through, and the pain he was in....sometimes the thought is just too much for me to handle. I can be in the middle of the day, going about my business and something will trigger one of the painful memories. I call the "painful memories" the ones that I think of when I think of what my husband went through at the end. I wonder if he knew he was dying. I wonder if he was embarrased because he lost control of bodily function? I hate the thought of the time he spent in the hospital. He was in so much pain. And when they were finally able to control the pain (somewhat), it made him delirious and confused. It made him hulucinate (sp?) and think that people were after him. It was horrible. It was the most painful thing I have ever been through. That is the thought that most often disturbs my peace. I wonder if I could have done something to help him more. In hinesight you always wonder if you could have/ should have. Sometimes the reality and finality are overwhelming. I miss him so much and yet there was nothing any of us could have done to keep him here. Sometimes that thought makes me very angry. It makes me angry that God took him away from me. It makes me angry that he went through hell before he died. All of those are tough thoughts. Really tough. And really painful. There are good days and bad days...
What can I do about this? I honestly don't know. I don't know how to get rid of the painful memories. I wish I could close my eyes at night and not see him laying in that bed, hooked up to all those machines. I wish I couldn't hear the fear in his voice the last few days of his life. I try to remember the good times. I try to remember his goofy laugh or his corny jokes. I try to remember when he would lay on the couch with Chauncey and watch football in his boxers. Right now thats all I can do....try to attack the painful memories with good ones. And wait.
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