the time has come

This will be my last post for a while. Michael is being admitted into the James tomorrow and I will not be on the internet often. Michaels cancer has become too painful for us to manage at home. He will be given an epidural tomorrow, which will numb him from the waist down. It was terribly heartbreaking packing our things to go to the hospital. I cried the whole time. I packed as many pictures, momentums and things that are important to us as possible. I felt so sick to my stomach knowing that we would be leaving our home tomorrow, and I will be coming back alone. There is no way to describe this feeling. Please , please , please pray for comfort for Michael. He is so scared and he doesn't want to die in a hospital. Please pray that God will give him peace of mind over the next few weeks, and help him to know that the hospital is just a place. He will be surrounded by friends and family. All I want is for my husband not to suffer.

Michael had a wonderful birthday today and I thank all of you who took time to send him a card. Thank you all for your support and prayer. I love you.

Anya

lonely

I'm lonely. Thats all there is to it. I miss my husband and he's not even gone. I miss walking with him and holding his hand. I miss going to the movies, or out to dinner. I miss standing in the kitchen kissing him. I miss waking up beside him. I miss him rubbing my shoulders and telling me he thinks I'm beautiful. I just miss him.

The emotions of going through something like this are crazy. I feel so up and down. Right now I'm sick, stupid head and chest cold....so when your sick, your emotions go kinda wacko anyways. But all the things that go along with this whole situation....sadness, fear, anger, lonliness....all of them are overwhelming. I have experienced more emotion in the last 6 months than I ever have before...and trust me, I have had my heart broken many times. Nothing like this. Through everything though, I wouldn't change the experience and time I have spent with Michael for the world. He has taught me so much and made me a better person. Taking care of him is at times exhausting, physically and emotionally, but it's worth it to me. To show this man how much I love him and how much he means to me.....it's all worth it. He has taught me the true meaning of commitment. Giving my life to someone....through good times and bad....in sickness and in health.....

Those vows mean more to me now than they ever have. But....I'm still lonely. Crazy, huh?

I'm so sad

Today was one of the worst days ever. Michaels best friend from all the way back to grade school died last night. He had an aneurism (sp?) in his sleep. He was 25. I'm sorry.... but what the fuck!? Are you kidding me??? How much more can we take? The only explanation I can come up with is that Georgie went before.... to watch out for Michael. George loved him and when Michael got any kind of bad news through his whole illness, George was on a plane from Baltimore and sleeping on our couch that night. Thats just how he was. I can't believe this. I'm just in shock. It makes me so sad....and so scared. I hate the saying that deaths happen in 3's.....have you ever heard that? My grandpa died, and now George.......

Right now, I'm just terrified.

I'm still here, just too exhausted to write. I don't sleep much anymore...I take care of my husband, I attemp to eat, I cry and then if there is time left over...I sleep. There is a fundraiser/ benefit for Michael this Saturday night at Brazenhead if anyone wants to come. It will be nice to get a night out. I would love to meet some of you...my parents friends. Brazenhead in grandview frm 6-10 ( or whenever we stop drinking :o)) Anyways, thank you for your prayers and I'm sorry I don't have the energy to write more. Here is something fun though....I love this man.

Thank you Patti Simmons. ( www.pattisimmonsphotography.com)