thankful

what a peaceful end to our evening. your brother was amazing with the reflexology and reiki he did with you tonight. it was so powerful and there was such a calm and peaceful energy in the room. to see you so sound...sleeping so peacefully...I couldn't have asked for anything more. i love you with all my heart, Michael.

missing

There are so many thoughts going through my head tonight. The last three days have been a whirl. You gave us quite a scare thursday night, baby...and if that was a preview of whats to come...I'm scared. I have heard through many people that my honesty and willingness to share what we are going through has encouraged or in some way inspired people. Well, i'm about to get real honest. I'm scared. Really scared. And I'm sad. And I'm lonely.

The legal paperwoork we had to do today was heart wrenching. Who knew at 24 and 26, and 6 months into our marriage, we would be making plans, signing papers, and preparing for death. My heart broke as you told me your thoughts and feelings. You say you want to be burried, but only if I will be burried next to you. With tears in your eyes, I could hear your heart speaking directly to mine as you said to me...."I just don't want to be alone". My God. If you only knew, Michael, that with you you are taking my heart. You will never be alone my love...never. But in the same respect, my heart is torn. What if I move on? What if I get remarried and have a family. Will my future husband understand if I want to be burried next to the love of my life? Why are we having to make a decision like this? It's not fair. I don't know what to do? This is something I have to put into God's hands, because I don't know what else to do with it.

This sucks. I thought writing about it would help clear my mind. It didn't.

I love you so much, Michael. I love your family. Watching them over the last few days has been both a blessing and a curse. I can't help but be jealous watching your brothers and sister-in-laws planning thier lives, having babies...living. I sit and listen, watch and wonder what will happen to me when you go. I have never loved a family, other than my own, more than yours. I don't want to not be a part of them. They all tell me that I will always be a part of the family. But is that true? It makes me wonder. And it makes me sad...because if it's not true then I will not only lose you, but I will lose everything that is a part of you. I'm not ready for that.

Which brings me to my latest struggle. I miss you. I miss being intimate with you. I miss holding you, touching you, kissing you. I know we still have love, we will always have that. But I miss you. I miss the way you were so affectionate towards me. I miss the little ways you used to look at me. I need you so bad, Michael...just one more day with the old Michael. I would do anything for that. And the one thing we had that kept us physically close...has been too quickly taken away. I knew it was only a matter of time before transfering to our bed would just be too much for your body. Now you are in a medical bed, and I sleep alone. Alone. You're not even gone and yet I miss you so much.

How do I do this?

nothing

i have nothing creative or inspirational to say tonight. I'm exhausted. physically and mentally exhausted. i love you, baby.

praise you in this storm

Baby,

it's pushing 3am and tonight is especially bad. i can't sleep. i can't stop crying. i was looking through our pictures and this picture made me so happy. it is the most beautiful display of your intense passion. your whole life you have been passionate. about everything you do. i'm so proud of you, Michael.

Right now a song just came on itunes that has spoken to me for several months now. i don't know why this is happening to us...but I trust that God knows what he is doing....and this song explains exactly how I feel....

I was sure by now, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls I barely hear you whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to Youand raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

watching you

My darling husband,
It's so hard for me to watch you sometimes. Night time is a particular evil. After the comotion of the day dies down, I'm done cleaning, cooking and making sure you have had your meds....the friends and family leave.... I am alone here. With you and your disease. Sometimes I just find myself studying you. Watching how you breathe, the way you move, the expression of pain on your face. I watch to notice any changes, and I see them. I see your breath becoming more shallow. I see you take deep breaths...and exhale quickly. This is new. It scares me. You have been sweating more. Sweating when you are doing nothing. I wonder if this is good or bad? Is your body getting rid of toxins, or are you losing oxygen?

I miss you already. With every breath you breath, I wonder how many more you have. I wonder what it will be like to sit beside someone and hold them as they die. What will you look like? What will your body do? Will you know I'm there? Will you be in pain or will you know and be at peace? Sometimes the way you touch me...the gentle way you stroke my hair...the kiss you give me on my forehead...I wonder what you are thinking? I know you will miss me. I know you will always be with me. But will you be angry with me, or jealous if I move on?

I hate watching this. It scares me. It scares me because no matter how much I see, how much I prepare.....I have no idea what is about to hit me.

Dear Michael

My dearest Michael,
I sit here tonight with my heart in pieces. I watch you sleep and you look so peaceful. My heart is breaking, but it gives me comfort to see you resting and your body not in pain. I want you to know that you are my life. You have been everything in this life that I have ever wanted and needeed. God brought us together and for some reason is taking us apart far too soon. You have forever changed my life for the better. You will never know the depth of my love for you.

The past few months I have been so angry. I was filled with hate. I was so angry at everyone and everything. I had no faith. No hope. You were in so much pain and I was angry at you. I was angy that you were sick, i was angry that you had pain, I was angry that we couldn't have a normal life. All i wnated to do was plan and live our life together. I wanted to buy our first house together, have children together, grow old together. I wanted to do everything with you. I sometimes felt like the world was spinning so fast around me and I was stading there in the middle of everything just getting dizzy.

After this past week at the hosptial, however, I feel like things are changing. My heart still breaks everyday. Everytime I see you in pain I ache inside. But I have also felt an overwhelming sence of comfort and peace. For the longest time I have searched and searched for peace. Who knew I would have found it amid such horrible circumstances. More and more everyday I feel the gentle touch from the only thing I can identify is the HOly Spirit. The only thing that makes sence to me is that God is holding me and carrying me through this. All I want is for you to be happy. I would give up any and everything to ease your suffering. And if that means I have to give you up, then I am at a place where I feel like I can do that. I will be ok.

To be continued....